THE WALKING WOUNDED
by mistyfiedbycopeland1
Summary: Summary: Lauren is human. She's a writer who has Four books in the New York Times best seller list. All her books are based on her personal experience. This story is based in an alternate universe. Lauren lives and writes in her home town of New York. Bo is Fae. A geek who loves to read. They met during Lauren's last book signing.
1. PRologue-Introduction

THE WALKING WOUNDED

Summary: Lauren is a writer who has Four books in the New York Times best seller list. All her books are based on her personal experience. This story is based in an alternate universe. Lauren lives and writes in her home town of New York. Bo is a geek who loves to read. They met during Lauren's last book signing. Sparks fly between the two but Bo didnt realize it. Lauren shares Bo feelings. The newest book Lauren is working on is titled 'The Walking Wounded.' It's based on a very dark time in Lauren's life.

**Content Warning: Due to the delicate nature pertaining to Suicide I want to alert everyone. There is and will be very graphic, traumatic and horrific scenes throughout.**

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Introduction

Lauren sits in her favorite chair going over her playlist on her iphone. She sets the volume. She sets the playlist to her favorite group, Evanescence. She sips from her drink as she waits in hope of finally hearing from Bo, the woman she met a week ago at her last book signing. She noticed Bo right away. It was Bo's hair that grabbed her attention. That and the fact that the brunette was so shy. When Bo reached the table she wasn't able to look Lauren in the face at first. It took some encouragement on Lauren's part to get a smile out of the brunette. Lauren could tell by the way Bo wasn't able to look her in the eyes that she liked her. When asked who she should sign the book to Bo blushed as she told Lauren her name. Bo in a whisper told Lauren she enjoys her books. Lauren wrote her email address in Bo's book asking Bo to email her, that she wanted to know why she enjoys her books so much. Of course it was Lauren's way of possibly breaking the ice. She could tell Bo was very shy but that also Bo gave her a look that told Lauren something else.

Bo sat running her fingers over Lauren's email address for the umpteenth time. She hasn't been able to get the blonde out of mind since their meeting a week ago. She sat at her computer staring at the email she typed up. All she had to do was hit send. Instead she sat going over her email for errors.

**A/N **for those of you who are following my story Laws Of Attraction I do plan on finishing it. Just needed to get this story out of my system too. So read this and let me know if I should continue this one.


	2. Chapter 1

**THE WALKING WOUNDED **

**Content Warning: Due to the delicate nature pertaining to Suicide I want to alert everyone. There is and will be very graphic, traumatic and horrific scenes throughout.**

Chapter 1  
Living a Nightmare

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Bo sat staring at her computer. She carefully searched the email she wanted to send her favorite author for any and all errors. One finger paused over send. She sat reading the email just once more. _Okay I think I found all the errors. But what if it doesn't sound right? She's going to think its...that its...okay I just need to take something out, I think. _She thought to herself. Lauren decided she should start going over her notes for her new book 'The Walking Wounded.' Every time she breathed the titled she trembled. She thought it very fitting of her life. "You are wounded but not broken." Her therapist has to keep reminding her. She's been alone for years but she wanted to be with someone special. For a long time she didn't think it would be possible. She had a lot of admirers but they only wanted Lauren the writer. She wanted a woman who would see her for who she is not just the famous author. Her mind quickly drifted to Bo. A smile made its way across her face. She had to take a few deep breathes as she reached for her diary. Before she even touched it she was bombarded with flashes of that night from so many years ago. It was the night that turned the blonde into the woman she was today. With trembling hands she carefully opened her diary. The instant she touched it, she was transported back in time. Her breathing became labored. Beads of sweat began to form on her forehead. As she looked at her bloody hands and shirt the diary dropped. The room faded to black.

Lauren's POV

Tossing and turning in my sleep plagued with bloody memories of that night. I can feel the warmth of the blood that is covering my face and hands. I tried to wipe the blood away frantically. I look down and Maria is in my arms dead. I bolt upright in bed calling out her name. I'm trembling and I'm covered in sweat. I'm consumed by my guilt but it's a small price to pay for Maria's death. With her guileless eyes, which was supported by her angelic features she gave prove that angels are real and they do walk among us. I still wake up screaming her name. I can feel her blood on me. Its warm and it won't stop. I watch her face as she slowly goes to sleep for what was the last time. I spent that night holding her body close to. When my nightmares scare me I lie awake holding her in my heart. She is still an important part of me. You live inside my head. I have constant small reminders of you but you are gone. Its just me now.

**Have you ever felt not rational?** I needed to know. While at the same time part of me felt as if knowing wouldn't make it any easier. But I needed to know if it were true. I had to know for sure if I was losing my mind or if it was simply already lost to me. I had no real thoughts. There was no actual real thinking on my part. My outer landscape and my entire reality seemed clustered. I imagined things. I began to question the relationship between my waking experiences and my dreams. I sat for hours and reminisced about our time together. I would remember the first night I slept in her bed alone, without her. The first few weeks after she died I wasn't able to sleep. I had great difficultly on deciding which side of her bed to sleep. I thought her side so I could smell her. I wanted to be close to her. I decided against it. I thought my side but it felt too far away. It felt too cold. After an hour and a half of not deciding I just plopped down in the middle of her bed. There I was, an adult feeling like a lost child. I ended up on the floor on her side of the bed. For weeks I would lie on the floor where I dreamed of an existence where what was visible in my mind felt real. Maria was alive and happy. But fantasy borders perilously close to cruelty in the actual real world. The imagination reaches into and sometimes beyond our forbidden and unspoken. It's possible to break all your moral principles in one's imagination, to create new ones that make the most unlikely demands upon your behavior and good sense. The imagination cannot, however, be controlled. Dreaming is personal. When I woke up from having her in my dreams and she wasn't with me I became lost. I acted calm on the outside but on the inside I wanted to explode. I had to fight against myself to push through the pain to be able to just function with simple everyday things. Reality was too painful for me. All I had was my sleep to comfort me since Maria came to me only in my dreams. I found myself wanting to sleep all the time so we could be together. Therefore, for a period of time I was sleeping a great deal. I would go about my "normal" day. I would do what was expected of me. I would make appearance just long enough to where no one questioned it. Then I would disappear. I was sleeping more than I was awake. It was my only way I could be with her. It didn't take long for her to set up residency in a small corner room of my mind, but big enough space to where she was able to effect me.

**Have you ever felt irrational?** It didn't take too long before I was obsessed with having to see her again. I withdrew from the world. I isolated myself. I was being driven by some invisible force. I was consumed with anger. I was reluctant to let myself feel the hurt again from having lost her. But I had no power. Fear and anger had manifested some kind of weird hold on me. I was alone. I had to wake up alone. Eat breakfast alone. I had to watch our favorite movies alone. I had to sleep alone. In a strangers house that was my mind, at night I would hear her whisper to me. She wanted me to come to her. She wanted me to be with her. Without hesitation I went to her. When I saw her again for the first time after her death she told me she wanted to be alive. That grabbed my attention. It was visceral and immediate. It was this idea that turned into an obsession I wasn't able to deny myself. I went to her every night. Every night she was waiting for me. I would sit holding her lifeless body, looking down into soulful eyes. She would smile up at me. It was then I would sit and think of ideas on how to bring her back to life. I needed her back. I needed her with me. Dreams reflect our concerns, fears and needs. There is a tendency to act towards that emotion that sets you free. I said to her "No matter how many obstacles are put in front of me I will destroy to have you back in my life. I will find a way to bring you back. I will have you back in my arms." Maria sat up, rested her forehead against mine. I cradled her face in my hands and gently wiped away her bloody tears. I'd camouflage my reality so it enabled me to believe she wasn't dead. I didn't want to chance the outer layer being removed. I kept adding. I wrapped myself in layer upon layer around one another. I had too many emotions to deal with. I had too many feelings that developed. Sometimes our conscious mind tries to resist the knowledge. It's done as a coping mechanism. Though it's psychologically dishonest, it sometimes help people to get through situations we can't otherwise bear. I shut out her suicide. My unconscious self was not prepared to accept she was gone. I suffered from emotional disorientation.

**Have you ever felt not rational?** After Maria's suicide I spent a great deal of time struggling with my anxiety, fear and frustration regarding my inability to control my growing anger. I remember times I would hear someone screaming out. It turned out to be me. I'd be covered in Maria's blood feeling powerless and terrified for having not saved her. Sitting there in the middle of her empty room I apparently would sat and just screamed because of the anger I felt building toward her, feeling it trying to take me over. I tried every day after her suicide to not allow myself to be upset with her, but in the end, I found myself hating her for what she did and for what her death had made me become. Those feelings scared me. I tried to suppress my anger but that only made me feel more. I wanted to be the kind of person who could be logical about her death. As it turned out I wasn't. I learned the hard way that logic doesn't work when it came to emotions. One has the tendency to get too caught up in the storm of their chaotic feelings. My emotions had gotten the better of me. Guilt can make you different from the person you really are. I was always very angry and it was against myself. I would sit for hours replaying her suicide in my head. Going into myself, provided my emotional anxiety that precipitated my need to feel hurt. I can remember going out to look for a fight. But at some point I just wasn't there. I don't remember the actual fights. I remember very well dragging myself back home. I remember going straight to the bathroom, turning on the light and staring at my bloodied image. I liked seeing myself bruised and beaten. The anger would build to a point where I needed a release. I needed to hurt myself for being weak in not saving her. All those pent up feelings dissipated when I went out and got into fights. Injuring myself was the only thing that made me feel. I was in eternal suffering in infinite directions. I wasn't able to cope with my erratic emotions surrounding her suicide. You ever feel a kind of build up, a really intense crazy pressure filled build up? It's like I was trapped in between that tiny amount of space, where right before I did anything. There was always that split second before my pain started. It was as if my brain had suddenly went numb. My head was straining to operate.

**Have you ever felt irrational?** When it took me over and my emotions were gone it felt as if it was salvation. I was completely lacking in sense of self. That was the beauty of being emotionally numb, if only for a short time. I was having homicidal thoughts with little reference to suicide. I felt conflicted between acting them out and suppressing them. Madness had tightened its grip on me. I slowly withdrew into my own little world. This however didn't ease my suffering. If anything, it only exacerbated my misery. It only caused my nightmares to consume nightmares were so bad I was left trembling in terror for hours. I tried to not be in love with her. I tried everyday to not want her. I wasn't able to let her go. I know I needed help but she was all I wanted. When she split her flesh open painting the floor with her blood I sat for hours holding her so she would feel she wasn't alone. It's believed dreaming are our clearest window into the process of our experiences that maintain order in our system. If that is the case, her suicide pushed me beyond my limit of self control.

**Have you ever felt not rational?** I would sit and remember the night she died. Slowly, very slowly my head began to pound. My body would ache. I could feel something hitting me in the face. I'd look down at my hands and they were covered in Maria's blood. It was spurting from her neck covering me. Pain would drag me under. Pulling my hands from her bloody neck took everything I had. In the midst of it all I thought I saw her move. Do dead people move? She was still alive I thought to myself. I was desperate to cling to that notion. Hours of accumulated fear and glimpses of hope, which all but faded to black when she refused to wake up. I screamed at her to wake up. I shook her body trying to wake her up. She wouldn't wake up. I was angry at myself for losing control. In spite of myself, it was my list of emotions that was my downfall. It was my irreparable mistake. I thought she changed her mind. I thought she changed her mind about leaving and I was too late. My sanity could be held onto any longer. An explosion then happened in me. Shards of myself and intense feelings of rage flew into one another breaking me. A dark hole formed. It was my decision to take the darker path. I jumped in. It was then "she" found her freedom in my lost of control. I remembered little nothing's that I could remember of no other times. It was as if I was seeing through someone else's more powerful eyes. While I watched the other days with just my own eyes, and their events in a trance like state. Our memory is believed to be the glue that holds our personal existence together. If this is accurate then it was my experiences, of each moment, from my past to present that merged. My thoughts seemed to flow but most of them fell into the bottomless abyss of total oblivion that had become my mind. Of most, no good memory survived. Of others, they seemed confined to mere moments. I was not able to see clear of my own mind. I was not capable of seeing beyond Maria's suicide. I had blood on my hands I could never wash off.

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**A/N: This particular story comes from my personal experience. Suicide is an extremely traumatic subject. I want anyone who has been left behind or those who have lost someone to Suicide, you don't have to suffer through this alone. It's important you know you can make it through this. You can PM me if you want to talk or anything. It's important to know that I've changed names, dates and locations to protect the vulnerable and innocent**.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Haunting Of The Soul**

**Content Warning: Due to the delicate nature pertaining to Suicide I want to alert everyone. There is and will be very graphic, traumatic and horrific scenes throughout.**

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As eager hands frantically ran over bodies and under clothes both Lauren and Maria knew that they were close to the point of no return. Lauren's kiss was slow, tentative, almost uncertain. Closed lips brushed together gently, lightly, again and again for mere seconds at a time. So many emotions and uncertainties raced through Lauren, but right then, in that moment, they both needed this. Maria's lips parted a little, the tip of her tongue flicked out to taste the sweet wine that are Lauren's lips. Both women moaned softly, Lauren's lips opened to allow the venturing tongue to taste them more fully.

Brushing her teeth lightly over Maria's lower lip, Lauren nibbled and sucked gently on the sweet soft protrusion. Second after excruciatingly wonderful second, Lauren's mouth made slow, gentle love to Maria's bottom lip. Maria melted into Lauren's attention. Feeling light headed from the experience of having Maria back in her arms Lauren could no longer remain in control of her emotions. Grabbing her, Lauren leaned back to lie across the bed pulling Maria on top of her. Their bodies pressed together as Lauren released Maria's lip. The blonde slide her tongue into Maria's warm, soft mouth, kissing her with passion and a fire that had been locked away for the past three years since Maria's suicide.

More soft, sweet kisses followed, interspersed with declarations of love and sharing of their deepest emotions. After hours of kissing and talking, Lauren and Maria finally fell to sleep curled up together in Maria's bed, both women happily dreaming of a future together. Lauren tip-toed upstairs. As she walked into the bedroom she couldn't help but smile as she stated at Maria's sleeping figure in the bed.

She watched Maria's sleeping form intently. After a minute of staring she walked toward the bed. "Maria, are you awake? Maria? Maria?" Lauren spoke gently as she shook her girlfriend. When Maria didn't answer Lauren smiled and pulled the covers back. Maria unravelled herself from the quilt and leaned forward and hugged Lauren tightly.

Maria pulled back, to see Lauren's face light up in a warm smile. Easing Lauren on to her back, Maria rests her head lightly on Lauren's chest quietly listening to her gentle heart beat. After a few moments of silence, Lauren finally plucked up the courage to reveal her feelings to her dead girlfriend. "I've missed you more than I can begin to tell you. I have spent every night wondering how I messed up. I never stopped loving you Maria. I never will. I know I hurt you so much by not saving you. I will make it up to you." Lauren drops her head and started crying.

"Shh, you didn't do anything wrong. You don't have to say that, do anything. Lauren look at me." Maria waited patiently until Lauren lifted her head. Maria then continued to say what she needed to say. "What happened that night, it-it wasn't your fault. It hasn't changed my feelings for you. I... I'm still in love with you Lauren. I want to be with you." Maria grabs Lauren and a deep kiss happened. Lauren reached out to unfasten the buttons on Maria's blouse.

Pushing the thin material off of Maria's shoulders and down her arms, she tossed the top aside. Lauren's breath caught in her throat as she saw the scar on Maria's neck.

"Don't worry. I'm no longer in pain." She reassured Lauren softly, before initiating a deep, sensuous kiss and running her fingers through long blonde hair. "I want you to make love to me; please. I want you inside me. I want you to taste me..." Lauren subconsciously licked her lips pulling Maria to her. "I want to get lost in you. I want to be in you, on you, inside you...as one with you again. I love you so much." Grabbing the back of Maria's head. Lauren remembered that Maria liked having her head massaged. She began to gently squeeze Maria's scalp and skull. Maria began to moan softly. For endless, precious moments Lauren committed Maria's beautiful neck to memory. She stared, mesmerized the long scarred throat. Finally forcing her gaze up to look into Maria's sweet smiling face; an unspoken question burning in unsure eyes. "It's okay Lauren, touch me."

Trembling fingers made their way to tentatively stroke Maria's neck, making only the softest whisper of contact with Maria's scar. Although the caress was only brief Maria was so sensitive to Lauren's touch that she couldn't hold back her sigh of pleasure. She wasn't able to stop herself from leaning into Lauren's soft touch. The blonde replaced her fingers with her mouth, sucking and licking her way up and down Maria's neck.

"Oh Lauren." Maria moaned; completely aroused by the attention that was being given to her scar. Lauren closes her eyes as she sucks hungrily at Maria's neck. She tastes warm drops of Maria's sweat as she continues to kiss and suck her girlfriend's clavicle. Lauren became overwhelmed by what was happening. Maria was giving herself completely to the blonde. There was no forbidden zone. "Oh god Lauren!" Not used to being touched or tasted in this way, Lauren's attention left Maria almost breathless. She was trembling and crying out and begging Lauren all at once. The tip of Lauren's tongue traced the journey of warm sweet beads of sweat as they ripple down Maria's long sensuous neck. Lauren open her eyes. Pulls away sharply as she sees her mouth covered in blood. Maria's neck wound is open and dripping on to Lauren's face.

Lauren sits across from her therapist; her face and arms bruised. She's offering no reasoning for her injuries. Hyperventilating and looking off into space; her therapist voice fades in and out of her awareness. "Lauren? Lauren? I want you to take deep breathes." The therapist speaks softly. She quickly sees Lauren isn't responding. Standing, she places a hand on Lauren's shoulder. She's been treating Lauren for a year now; she knows the signs. This was the calm before the storm with Lauren; it had been like this ever since she had started to allow herself to feel and express her buried emotions. She needed to reach Lauren and do it fast. "Lauren? We're going to calm you down. I'm going to take you to a good place. Do you think you can focus? Can you calm yourself down enough to focus? If so just let yourself take some deep breathes for me. Can you do that for me Lauren? Lauren can you hear me? We have to..." She stopped talking as she notices the look in Lauren's eyes. "Shit!" She curses aloud. Lauren is trembling from sharp pains in her head brought on by broken flashes of Maria's suicide. Lauren has slipped inside the black abyss that is her fragile mind.

**In a stranger's house, that is Lauren's mind...**.

Lauren lies sprawled on the floor gasping for air and holding her head. As she drags herself to her feet, she becomes aware of a noise within the house. Blindly, she stumbles towards the sound. It leads her to a she turns the knob and enters, she discovers it is pitch black inside, and she is unable to see anything; but she can sense the woman she loves is inside; screaming Maria's name, she begins to panic when no answer comes back to her. She can feel her. Stumbling wildly around, trying to find the light switch; she listens and hears it again, the disturbing noise that's causing the hair on her neck to stand. Her foot catches on something, and she trips;reaching out as she falls, forward her hands hit a puddle causing her to lose her balance further. Lauren's eyes go wide with fear and she screams out Maria's name; still no answer. Finally, after what seems like a lifetime, she finds the light switch. As their light fills the room Lauren looks down at her hand; Its covered in blood. She panics. She sees Maria's limp body. Running over she's begging for Maria to talk to her. That's when Lauren sees it; she freezes when she notices a small blood stain on Maria's shirt. Lauren's fear grows as she approaches her. She's crying and asking Maria what's wrong. She doesn't answer. Lauren notices she isn't moving. Her fear intensifies, the closer she gets. Dropping to her knees, Lauren leans in close, touching Maria's face. Looking down, she notices blood on the floor. Before she can react, Maria begins to cough, spitting up blood, hitting Lauren in the face. Pulling Maria's shirt aside, Lauren releases a strangled cry, at what she sees. Maria starts choking on her blood.

Suddenly Lauren re-surfaces from within her tortured mind. Her face flinches, body jerks violently forwardbefore going limp, and landing hard on the floor; her fists balled so tight her knuckles are turning white. She tries to speak but isn't able to. The therapist is at her side, "Lauren? My god Lauren are you alright? Let me look at you."

After careful examination the therapist yells for her receptionist to call for an ambulance, "We have to go get you to a hospital."Lauren starts to argue and fights to pull away.

"You want to talk to me about how you got these bruises?" Lauren struggles to stand. Her therapist helps her. She examines Lauren's bruises and frowns. "Tell me what happened. How did you get the bruises?"

Glaring at herself, jaw clenched and tears streaming down her face, Lauren replied, "I went out for a walk. I-I you know I couldn't stop it, the memories of it. It wouldn't stop. I-I had to make it stop. Her neck...all the blood and s-she FUCK!" Lauren screams. Then she punches the nearest wall. There is a loud noise. Lauren doesn't make a sound. "You do remember you use this for a living." She says as she motions toward Lauren's right hand. Running her left hand through her tangled hair, she replies in an emotionless tone, "It's not a problem. I'm ambidextrous."

As they waited for the ambulance to arrive, they both worked to calm Lauren down. "We talked about this in your last session remember? I know this hurts but we have to get you in touch with the feelings you keep buried; they need to come out. What your experiencing is your minds way of letting you know you're ready to face it. What your feeling is what I term the tornado vs the volcano affect." Lauren listened carefully as her therapist explained. "All your repressed and blocked feelings that you have been avoid facing are surfacing. You've been with this pain and guilt for so long. What we're doing now is working on you learning how to forgive yourself; you need to let yourself understand you could not have prevented her from killing herself. we're working on your feelings that have not been resolved. I'm purposely pulling your emotional triggers; in doing so your strong feelings, your memories fears etc are coming to your conscious level. It's painful but I can assure you Lauren you can make it through to the other side. I know it's overwhelming and the temptation to keep avoiding, running, or deny is strong; but you can't give in to these feelings."

Lauren's body tenses up again. "I have to...I can't...it. I lost her. I went dead inside. I-I, it's my fault. She's dead and I couldn't... I wasn't able to...you know I-I tried. My girlfriends guts all over me. I had to wipe my girlfriends body parts off me. Do you know how it felt? How I felt?" Lauren asks excitedly as her heart pounded in her ears. Getting Lauren's attention the therapist looks Lauren directly in her eyes and speaks. "When you first contacted me I took it upon myself to read all of your books. Your an amazing writer Lauren. I can't imagine being in that much pain and still being able to pour so much of yourself into four books. This new book your working on? It's about losing her isn't it? It's all about Maria." She stated. Lauren closes her eyes, trying to fight back more tears. It's a self portrait." Lauren whispers an affirmative. "We'll that's good Lauren. That's really good. "You know you never find yourself until you face the truth. And your coming to me seeking out help, writing this book is important." Her therapist states. Lauren, never breaking eye contact with her therapist, begins to takes deeper breathe calming herself.

As the paramedic is examining Lauren's wrist she is checking her out. She gave Lauren the once over as she entered the therapist's office. Lauren knows the paramedic is hitting on her. She isn't into her. "Okay so you have a grade 2 sprain. I've set you up with a brace for now. This is going to require a cast. You can go to the hospital tomorrow since you made it clear you're not going to go now. In the mean time you can take these for the pain." Nadia went to hand Lauren two Advil. Lauren looked at the medication being handed her and declined. "I'm fine. I don't need it. I'm good at dealing with pain. This isn't that bad. Are we done? Can I go? I need to get out of here." Lauren stood and tried to walk away but Nadia stopped her. "You should really think about taking these. The pain might hit you later tonight. I wouldn't want you to be alone and in pain. I'd be worried about you." She smiles at Lauren. Lauren takes a step back as she takes a quick glance at the woman's name tag. "Listen Nadia. I don't mean to be rude but I- I'm not...that is um I had a really bad ...Im not...I'm flattered but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. But thanks for all your help with..." Lauren pauses and points to her wrist.

Nadia steps forward. "Well that's good because I'm not looking anything serious. Not looking for a relationship either. If you know what I mean. I was leaning more towards friends with benefits." She smiles. Lauren walks out not giving Nadia the chance to talk anymore. Nadia watches Lauren's ass as she walks away. She bends down and picks up the form Lauren was required to fill out. She copies down all Lauren's personal information. She smiles to herself as she slips the paper in her pocket. _I'll be seeing you again sexy lady._ She thought to herself.

Meanwhile Lauren is back in with her therapist scheduling her next appointment. As she's walking out her iPhone goes off. Too emotionally exhausted from her session she snatches the iPhone from her back pocket and throws it in her bag, ignoring it. An hour later she's in her new apartment sitting in a corner crying. She's upset because she can't find one of Maria's t-shirts. Having moved in over a month ago she still isn't unpacked yet The place is full of boxes that haven't been unpacked. She has no furniture except for a bed. The bed is in the master bedroom that she doesn't even go in. The 2 bedroom, 1400 sq. foot Upper West Side apartment at $1,600,000. It's the apartment she and Maria always wanted. Her place has hardwood floor, newly renovated Granite, high ceilings. kitchen, exposed brick walls. Stainless steel appliances. It has 2 bathrooms. A large private terrace. Upon moving in she had Maria in mind. She intended to turn the second bedroom into her work place.

The kitchen was for Maria because she loved to cook. As Lauren sat looking around she felt sick to her stomach. _This place is too big. I don't have you here with me now. The kitchen...you were the cook. You were teaching me to cook remember? _She thought to herself, standing, she slowly walked around the apartment. "You would love this place baby. I picked this place because I knew you'd love the kitchen. It wasn't until after I moved in that I remembered you were gone. I thought I could handle it. But I'm not sure if...if I- I can live here without you. It's too big for just one person." She spoke out loud to an empty kitchen. She slowly and very gently touches the counter top. She picks up her cup of tea and heads to her bedroom.

9 P.M.

**Lauren's P O V**

I understand things fall apart. I know the world isn't perfect. I know this but it doesn't make it any easier. There are so many barriers keeping me from being with another woman. My emotions are all over the place. I try to move beyond the moment. I'm just so lost as to what to do. I'm having trouble handling her death. The wounds of losing her are still fresh. I know everything about me, screams loss. There was a time when anger was helpful for the sake of my sanity. It wasn't until I started therapy that I came to understand I need to let go of my anger. I now know all the damaging feelings I carry aren't healthy. It's as if her death only just happened. It's been a total of 9 years.108 months. 469 weeks. 3,281 days. But who's counting? Who keeps track of such trivial things? We were inseparable. We were friends for over a year before we realized we were attracted to one another. She taught me the small but important things about myself. The closer we grew the deeper my feelings grew toward her. Then in an instant she was gone. I lost her. She was taken. Was it a minute? Was it an hour? Or perhaps it was a day. I always lose all track of time when I awake from a nightmare. I seem to aimlessly drift. Sometimes I feel something. It's a warm sting. Its sharp blade penetrating my flesh. I shriek in pain as I am being snatched back. Falling, falling...my body turns cold as I try to pull away. My mind desperately tries to comprehend. It's screaming for the peace it use to have. I'm being torn into two by the cruel blade; what was once desire turns to fear and dread. I'm watching as something so warm turn ice cold. Suddenly I am slammed back into the surface of my mind. How can something be so warm and inviting yet cold and intense at the same time? It's a riddle I try to answer every time I wake up. I gaze into her eyes. I notice there is something very odd, something very disturbing about her once enchanting eyes. The once beautiful color is really dull. I am filled with terror. "THEY'RE DEAD! Her eyes are dead. There is no life in them." My mind is telling me. This chills me to the bone. Fear seizes me. I feel myself slipping away. It's a dark place. My heart beat grows quicker and quicker. Its pounding louder and louder in my ears. Blood is seeping from my body. Its making a puddle around me. I'm in agony. On the verge of tears I can't help myself. I need to see one more time. As I look instead of seeing heaven, instead of finding warmth I look into cold eyes. I tremble as I start to lose consciousness. My mind must be playing tricks on me. Delirious, I began to argue with myself. Part of me knows I will never forget my trip into heaven. Though short lived the time with her was blissful and truly heaven. As she looks upon me with those cold eyes my body shivers as her blade is slowly coming out of me. She leaves me with the memories of what could have been for what really is. Groggily I awake to moisture covering my hands. I look down to see my hands covered in blood. Beneath the covers, Maria's dead body.

I become full of uncontrollable rage. I walk to the closet tear through boxes until I find it. I hold it gently. I cradle it for a few minutes. I sit in my corner staring at it. I open the chamber and put in a single bullet. I spin the chamber. I close my eyes. I put the gun to my temple and pull the trigger. Nothing happens. I repeat the steps again in hopes of returning to her. The thought of being with her again makes me light headed. This time

I can feel it. I'm going to be with her again. I press the gun to my temple and pull the trigger. I feel it but only for a second. My brain is being penetrated by the metal. I'm finally going be with her again. I close my eyes and wait for it to take me. I am heading to the one place where I know I will be happy again.

**TWO HOURS LATER**

I awake abruptly, panting and breathing heavily. I'm so angry I am unable to think straight. "NOOOOOO!" I scream. "M-maria...I'm sorry. Oh god Sweetness I miss you. I miss you so much." I have so much pent up fury in me needing to be released. I practically run out the apartment to the one place I know where I can become this entirely different person. It's in this place where my bare knuckle brawls border on defiance of my true nature and my normal personality. I dream her. But which? Every night she comes to me. But who? I would wake drenched in blood wondering what was real. Was it what I saw and touched? Or was it what I felt? I see her in stranger's faces. I know she is dead but she's still here. When she was alive I use to fall to sleep at night to the sound of her breathing. When she died I lay awake at night but instead of her breathing she was choking on her blood. I can feel the warm blood gushing from her neck and seeping through my clothes into my skin. That particular mental wound is still fresh. It was the longest shortest moments of my life.

It was then I discovered how some of life's most cruellest and most important lessons aren't taught but experienced. The last three sessions were very emotional. I was forced to stay and confront my anger and memories through another morning of torture. So much to the point where my emotions are getting the better of me. All of my emotional scars, my emotional wounds, my emotional pain, fatigue are finally winning me over. I'm living my nightmares. But this has to be someone else's nightmare. I'm mad and confused because I'm totally caught off guard by the memories that are surfacing. I'm sad because they can't be true. All these unknown memories. There is so much going on inside my head. I can't explain it to myself where or how these awful memories come to be. I am so lost. I want to slam my fist into a wall. I look at my already injured right hand and think better of it. Another part of me wants to collapse in tears and be comforted but I don't have anyone. My best friend Kenzi is out of town. I don't trust anyone enough other than Kenz. I told her, trusted her with Maria's suicide. I haven't dated in so long. I don't have anyone special.

I don't have a girlfriend. I don't trust anyone enough outside of Kenzi or my therapist to talk about Maria. Instead I stand here enraged and alone. Do you know the difference between killing someone and murdering someone? It's because it's what one does when no one is around to witness that defines you. I am, for all intents and purposes, a coward and a killer! When Maria took her last breathe, part of me died as well. It felt as if something in me broke. I remember glimpses of Maria's friendship and love. But for years I have lived the terror of her suicide.

* * *

**A/N: This particular story comes from my personal experience. Suicide is an extremely traumatic subject. I want anyone who has been left behind or those who have lost someone to Suicide, you don't have to suffer through this alone. It's important you know you can make it through this. You can PM me if you want to talk or anything. It's important to know that I've changed names, dates and locations to protect the vulnerable and innocent**.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Content Warning: Due to the delicate nature pertaining to Suicide I want to alert everyone. There is and will be very graphic, traumatic and horrific scenes throughout.**

* * *

Question of Character

Dr. Denise Adams MD/ PhD

M.D., Washington University School of Medicine

Ph.D., Washington University School of Medicine

B.A., Princeton University

Psychiatrist, Board Certified

Specializing in Counselling Psychology

New York, NY

21 Years of Practice

Dr. Adams sat, going over her notes from her morning session with Lauren Lewis; her patient of one year. She sits organizing and looking through her notes and she can't help but become frustrated with what she's learned in this morning's session. _I don't believe this, s_he thought to herself. Taking a sip of her coffee, she settled into her favourite chair and pulled out Lauren's file.

Patient: Ms. Lauren Lewis

Case number: 02678

Patient suffers from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder from witnessing her girlfriends suicide.

Treatment/ Medication: Prazosin (Minipress) PSTD related Nightmares & Sleep Disruption

Doses: Capsule, 2mg. To be taken with food.

Dr. Adam's POV

I've been treating Lauren for the last year. Her pain and guilt has been in the open for many years now. It's obvious this patient couldn't then, and is still unable to, forgive herself for not preventing her girlfriend's suicide . I know how much we try to run from facing pain, She has carried this pain for so long, I told her she needs to open herself up to forgiving herself. She sobbed the first few sessions. It's taken her time to come to trust me, it's been challenging, she fought me every session; she also fought against herself. Having learned the gory details I think I can see why she would try to avoid facing it for as long as she did; she has many unresolved deep emotional issues. I'm helping her to understand the dilemma that suicide survivors can be put in. Within her subconscious acknowledging the Maria's suicide would be acknowledging how very much she, in her mind, didn't protect Maria; and how she failed her. It would mean facing whatever caused the event?; which I think involves a deep rooted past history with Maria. Lauren is trapped in the cycle of pain, and doesn't care to stop it, because of the overriding guilt she feels. She stopped reading when her phone started to ring. _Damn it! I thought I turned this off._

She checked her caller I.D., seeing it was one of her friends she ignored it. She turned it to vibrate just in case Lauren called. Taking a gulp of coffee, she eased back into her chair and continued. Shuffling through papers on her desk, she found her notes on Lauren's previous therapist. Leaning back, and taking another gulp of coffee, she begins to read.

"She told me she was my friend and to trust her, so I did, I trusted her; She told me Maria understood. She told me to trust her and I did." Lauren whispered. She wasn't able to look her therapist in the face.

"Lauren it's okay, it's not your fault; She was your therapist and what she did was wrong. It wasn't your fault; what she did was rape."

Lauren jumped up from her seat. "It is my fault! I wanted her! I wanted sex with her; ;he didn't force me. I-I was the one who initiated it! I met her while out with friends at a bar. They all were dancing, drinking, hitting on the women and partying; I was sitting at a table by myself. I didn't even want to be there; but they talked me into it. I was thinking about Maria, when I looked up and she was standing in front of me asking if I mind if she sat with me; because a woman wasn't getting the hint. '_We don't have to talk I just want her to see us together. I'll just smile and do all the talking. I cross my heart_.' I was about to say no when she crossed her heart. She was nice so I invited her to sit; she did all the talking. I felt she was flirting and it made me uncomfortable. So I asked her if she was flirting with me, She wanted to know if I was bothered if she was, I told her I was.

I excused myself and went to the ladies room and threw up. I was in there for a while because she came and checked on me; she ended up driving me home. I confessed to her I wasn't dating, She wanted to know why, I wasn't able to talk to her. She told me she could tell I needed someone to talk to, she told me I could talk to her; She gave me her business card and told me if I ever wanted to talk to call her. She put her personal info on the back of it. I told...I tried to tell her, explain to her I wasn't comfortable talking about it with anyone, but I shook her hand and told her it was nice meeting her. I got out the car and purposely left her card on the seat; because I wasn't looking for friends. I forgot all about her. Then out of nowhere she called and left me a message. I think it was something about her wanting to meet for lunch or her worrying about me. My friends gave her my number when she asked them about me. My friends go to that bar a lot, they told me she asked about me so they gave her my number; as always they didn't ask me first they took it upon themselves in their attempt to help me get over Maria. I had not been with another woman since Maria's suicide, I had forgotten what it was like being with a woman physically, she wanted to help me with it; She promised she could help me." Lauren whispered.

"Help? Help you? She wanted to help you with what Lauren? What was she offering to help you with?" Asked Dr. Adams, waiting for Lauren to open up with her. "Lauren? What did she offer to help you with?" She asked again.

Lauren turned around and said, "To help me with women, She wanted to help me, because after losing Maria... I wasn't able to able...to...I-I I like sex. I just wasn't able to..." Lauren ran her hand through her hair. "I wanted to but I couldn't, women would flirt with me a lot, I couldn't let myself even look at another woman. But Maria...But with Kathleen? She had this way to...I don't know but I wanted her so bad, sex with her was not like anything I knew; it's like she knew me. She really knew me. We did things...we were lovers for two years; it all started one day after a session."  
Shocked, Dr. Adams sat thinking of what she was being told, "Lauren, where was your first encounter with Kathleen?"

Sighing, Lauren answered, "We were at her apartment and it was after my session. I felt weird from the session, but she told me it was okay; then she asked if I wanted to kiss her. I wasn't sure if I did, but she told me it was okay if I did so I kissed her. I was the one who initiated it, so, it wasn't rape if I was the one who kissed her first was it? I was the aggressive one." Lauren spoke shyly. "She reminded me of things I had with Maria, she promised I could have those feelings again; and I did. She helped me to be..." Lauren blushed.

"What is it? Lauren? She helped you to..." Dr. Adams was hoping Lauren would finish the sentence for her but Lauren fell silent.

Dr. Adams sat waiting for Lauren to talk. She could tell whatever it was it making Lauren agitated and retreat into herself. "She told me she could help me reach in and...I-I, sex I like sex but I have never been able to you know uh just I can't with just a body. What I mean is...I-I a connection I need...it has to be emotionally not just about the sex." Lauren plops down on the couch. "It wasn't rape, she told me what we had was between two adults; we had consensual relationship that I initiated. She told me I could have stopped seeing her if I wanted but I didn't because what we had was consensual. I didn't because I wanted everything that happened. She's right, I initiated things between us, and I told her what I was thinking about her one night; she's beautiful and the sex was..." Lauren became flushed and jumped up from her seat and quickly turned away.

"Lauren? Lauren listen to me; it was rape. She was your therapist, I don't care if you wanted it or not, She was your therapist. Do you understand that from everything you remember, from all you told me, the start of your having sex with her was always when you were in a very heightened emotional vulnerable state, so yes it was rape; do you think you would have had sexual relations if you weren't missing Maria so badly?" She asked. All the color seem to drain from Lauren's face. "Your early encounters always happened when your session was over; isn't that that you remember? That means she used, being your therapist, and your deepest feelings; she learned when you were in a very vulnerable state. It was rape if she used what she learned about Maria during one of your sessions and she was in the role of your therapist at the time." Lauren stood frozen. Her body began to tremble. She tried to talk but her words seemed to be stuck in her throat. Dr. Adams calmed Lauren before she got too agitated. Looking away in embarrassment, she let herself process everything. On shaky legs Lauren walked out the office and into the bathroom. Once inside she tried to control her breathing; with trembling hands she turned on the water and splashed her face.

**Flashback**

Kathleen looked at her bed for a few seconds, then back at Lauren hoping the blonde would get the message; when Lauren noticed she was staring she realized what Kathleen was hinting at. "Bu...I can't. What about Maria? What if she...I can't. You and me...were not you know...she's my girlfriend." Lauren turned away from Kathleen. Her mind went back to Maria, the other woman reached out to touch her, but she stepped away. "D-d-d-don't. I can't. P-p-please Maria won't understand." She cried.

Kathleen pulled Lauren to her. "Hey, you're not doing anything she won't understand. Trust me, I know what you need; I know what you want." Her voice was soothing and reassuring. Lauren went to speak but was stopped by a pair of lips pressing against hers. The kiss was gentle. Kathleen backed Lauren on toher bed pushing her body into Lauren's. "I want you," she whispered, "Do you want me?"

"Yes. " Lauren's voice was low.

"Say it, tell me." Lauren froze. She started seeing Maria. "Close your eyes; I want you to trust me. You want me, you don't have to be afraid to want me, I'm going to make you feel so good. Now close your eyes, think about her, think of all the things you want to do; think of how much you want her. Let yourself feel all the love you have; I want you to let yourself want." Lauren closed her eyes and thought about Maria.

Minutes later the two women were entwined together and slowly just enjoying the warmth of each other's body. Lauren's shirt was scrunched up past her breast, which Kathleen was licking. Kathleen's shirt was off for Lauren to see her. The room was filled with a chorus of "Oh god... Yess... ... Please... please don't stop... Maria please oh yeah that's it. Right there. Oh Maria don't, don't stop!" Lauren gasped.

Hours later as Lauren was drifting off Kathleen was talking to her, "See, I was right. This was more private, you were able to unwind here and not worry about any interruptions; I promised to help and I did." Kathleen gently rubbed Lauren's back, "Go to sleep. I'll be right back." Kathleen whispered as she climbed out of bed.

Lauren looked around the bedroom lost in her thoughts. It was another emotional session. Lauren's lower lip was trembling as tears made their way down her cheek. "I'm sorry Maria for not saving you." She whispered. Kathleen returned in a pair of sweat pants and t-shirt. Lauren took notice to the fact that Kathleen was not wearing a bra. She stared at her therapist. Her eyes raking over the brunette's body. Kathleen smiled at Lauren. When Lauren realized what she was doing she quickly apologized. "I-I shouldn't have been staring at you like that. Like some piece of meat or something. I'm not like that. I don't know what's wrong with me. If you don't want to help me anymore..." Lauren whispers. Her head dropped as she finished the sentence.

"No, its okay, I liked how you were looking at me. I don't mind you staring; see?" Kathleen moved her hands from around her waist to reveal her nipples that were straining against her top. Lauren tried to act nonchalant but she was nervous. She sat up in bed, Kathleen went and sat close to her; she could feel the therapist's skin lightly touching her own and it was making her body ache. She tried to hold it together, but her eyes widened, as she felt Kathleen turn and face her. The next thing Lauren knew she was inhaling Kathleen's scent and it was overwhelming. "Sssh...it's okay what you're feeling. I feel it. I know you want me; you can have me, if you trust me. You trust me to tell me how much you want me; tell me how much you want me." Kathleen purred as she moved into Lauren's space. "Did Maria have a hard time leaving you in her bed? I'm sure she did, I'm going to share something with you; I have wanted you from the first time I saw you." Leaning in closer in hopes of Lauren reacting, Kathleen let her hair down; her eyes follow the flow of long dark hair as she unconsciously licks her lips. Kathleen flips and runs her hands through it. "I know Lauren and it's okay. I'm telling you it's okay." Both women sat staring at one another. Lauren sat staring at the beautiful soft dark hair. Minutes passed as both women continued to do nothing. Lauren began to inhale deeply, she could smell Kathleen, she wasn't sure if she was smelling hair or perfume; whatever it was, Lauren was becoming drunk from it. It seemed to trigger something deep in her, she leaned forward and kissed Kathleen on the left cheek, before licking her way down the brunette's lips and capturing them in a heated kiss. Lauren's head was spinning, she could barely will herself to move away and hold back. Suddenly Lauren was struck with guilt; she was mortified at the thought that she was cheating on Maria and taking advantage of Kathleen. "You want to make love to me don't you?" Kathleen asked, in what Lauren found to be the sexiest voice she had heard since Maria's. Kathleen sat waiting for some kind of response, Lauren's inner struggle continued, before Lauren could voice her feelings and fears Kathleen leaned toward her and whispered, "It's okay. It's going to be special, because you want me as much as I want you; and Maria wants you to feel good. She knows I can make you feel good, Maria wants you to be with me; because she trusts me." Kathleen pulled her and kissed her. It felt good but Lauren was still having trouble with feelings of guilt. Suddenly Lauren stopped.

"Lauren? What's wrong?' Kathleen asked.

" I-I Maria...I" she turned away from Kathleen.

"It's okay if you don't want my help..."She pulls away. "I told you, I'm your friend. I want to help, if this is about Maria, we don't have to do this; she worries about you being alone." Lauren pulled her into her and resumed kissing. She started to pull Kathleen's shirt and within seconds it was over her head. As Kathleen hovered above Lauren, the blonde could only stare, "Lauren please..." She moaned. "Kiss me. I know you want to, it's okay to do anything you want, I don't want you to worry about Maria; she wants you to feel good. I can help you; kiss me..." She was begging Lauren.  
The blonde closed her eyes and clutched the back of Kathleen skull, pulling her into a deep and passionate kiss. Hours later as Lauren was getting into the cab Kathleen hugged her from behind and whispered, "Tonight you did very good. I'll see you tomorrow. Just remember what I told you. It's important you remember what happens in therapy; stays in therapy." Lauren grabs and kisses Kathleen, promising her and gets in the cab heading home.

"Don't worry. I'm no longer in pain." Maria whispers, as she guides Lauren's hand along the scar. It starts to bleed. Afraid to not save her again, Lauren keeps her hand on the scar. Her hand is covered in just seconds. She reaches up and use both hands as Maria closes her eyes blood is spurting through Lauren's fingers, hitting her in the face. Bolting upright in bed, she tries to catch her breath. She slowly reaches up to wipe away the blood from her face; only to smear it more. Her body tenses up as she replays Maria's words in her head, _"Don't worry. I'm no longer in pain."_ Breathing heavily, Lauren rips off her bloody clothing, and drags herself into the living room. Gun in hand, she sits in her favourite corner, naked staring off into hears Maria's words again. "Don't worry. I'm no longer in pain." She flinches as she opens the chamber and spins it. _I want to, not be in pain too. _Raising the gun to her temple she pulls the trigger. The gun doesn't fire. She repeats the action over and over and over again. Crying out in frustration as she lives to see another day, she throws the useless weapon away. Pain is in the mind, and with Lauren; it's all about her guilt.

* * *

**A/N: This particular story comes from my personal experience. Suicide is an extremely traumatic subject. I want anyone who has been left behind or those who have lost someone to Suicide, you don't have to suffer through this alone. It's important you know you can make it through this. You can PM me if you want to talk or anything. It's important to know that I've changed names, dates and locations to protect the vulnerable and innocent**.


	5. Chapter 4

**THE WALKING WOUNDED**

Chapter 4

**Content Warning: Due to the delicate nature pertaining to Suicide I want to alert everyone. There is and will be very graphic, traumatic and horrific scenes throughout.**

* * *

The Mind So Fragile...

Dr. Denise Adams POV

The brain is capable of extraordinary things, the left side and the right, having so many different functions. It is able to control everything about us both; inside and outside. For its size, its composed of so many small, yet important, parts that make it a whole. When it comes down to it; our brain is the boss of our body. The biggest part of course is the Cerebrum, it makes up 85% of our brains weight, it's the thinking part of the brain; it controls your voluntary muscles-you know the ones that move when you want them to. When your thinking you're using your Cerebrum, it helps you reason things out. Consisting of two halves, on either side of the head, Scientists know for sure it's the right half of the Cerebrum that controls the left side of your body; the left side controls your right half. Scientist differ, however, on which half of the Cerebrum does what. Some think it's the right half that helps you with abstract things such as music, colors and shapes; the left half is believed to be far more analytical, helping with math, speech and logic. Your memory lives in the Cerebrum-both short term (what you had for dinner last night) and long term (the lyrics to a song you fell in love with one year ago)

Lauren's POV

I'm learning through my sessions that, as strong and smart as the brain is, the mind can still

be very fragile. Dr. Adams has explained that pain involves our state of mind, she says,

our personal experiences differ from individual and our it is capable of switching off in the most agonizing circumstances, or switches on for no apparent reason. The way we deal with pain is an expression of our individuality, its manifestations differ among individualities as well. What happens when the mind causes the pain? The pain gets trapped. You live in the dark, the world is threatening place; it brings to life everything you fear.

Dr. Adams POV

Take the memory for example, our memories come in different ways, they can vary in strength; not all memories are created equal. It's because like dreams, memories are very personal they become etched in your mind forever. For those of you that wish for stronger memories, you should consider the consequences of having such exceptional strong memories. They can come at a high and personal price, for better or worse, it's usually the emotional experiences we tend to remember most. This is because intense emotional memories are not among those that fade quickly. **I know the ability to forget is an important gift. **Everything about Lauren comes down to the memories of Maria's suicide, she doesn't remember any of the events that happened the day before, she remembers nothing that took place just hours before, She can't recall the day after; but for many years she's remembered every small detail of the suicide itself.

Lauren's POV

I had never seen that much blood and guts before, it made me sick to my stomach; I can remember it clearly, her neck, torn mutilated beyond description. Seeing all the blood I vomited violently; I remember the feel of the hot blood as it hit, then trickled down my face. I remember the smell. I remember the sounds of Maria choking on her own blood. Calamity has its way of imprinting itself on memory; I've learned my guilt in some strange way, fuelled my suffering. That preserving that memory is the basis for my pain's existence. Life around me was salt and I was an open wound, ; it was grating into me burning me from the inside out. Outwardly, I appeared on solid ground, I wore a mask; I know that everyone at some point puts on a mask or pretend personality. Everything came down to the memories of her suicide, I was in constant pain; I am learning I had imploded long ago. All that was left, was my having the right moment to explode; then my demons would be free. It was just a matter of circumstances, I learned that the hard way. Had I known what I know now, the telltale's signs were there. For those suffering with emotional pain, there are no scars we can point out; we have no flesh wounds, there are no broken bones. No obvious physical damage; which makes it that much more dangerous. Dr. Adams says emotional pain is like a cancer, and like any form of cancer, when untreated can spread throughout one's body.

People always want honesty from me; then no one wants to believe my truth. It's very hard to describe the relationship I have with myself, it's hostile in every emotional sense of the word, I look in the mirror and do not recognize myself; the person staring back at me every glance scares me. I do not feel like myself, something inside me is broken, and I have no idea how to fix it. What's more, part of me wouldn't let me even try, she was slowly coming to the surface, she made me believe nothing would fill that space left by Maria's suicide; she taught me the best thing to know is to know myself. In doing so, I made the most shocking self-revelations. There were many sides to me, I somehow managed to fuse into one. Looking I could not tell myself apart from them anymore; in the mirror I saw sad me, reflective me, angry me; my intertwining double life. I couldn't even break away from myself even when I tried. Parts of me had no emotions, for it was bodiless having no existence, she was defined as a thing distorted my being. It was only pain that suited her, I would look into the mirror and become paralyzed by fear; I didn't recognized me. She was as repulsed by me as I was her. Depending on the strength of my will on any given day, one of us was always sacrificed, it had always been me. To look we shared the same likeness but the fact still remains she owned me! Dr. Adams explained to me how she was created from my pain, I think we were fated to exist through pain. She taught me how to separate my mind from my heart. **She **was the other me, the one who took over and where I remained for a long time. Eventually we surfaced but I was lost for so long I did not recognize myself. We mostly communed at night. Night is the harbinger of dreams right? Well not for me; all I ever had were nightmares. In the mornings the fear of her being gone was real and alarming; it wasn't that I really cared for her and yet I would sacrifice all others to keep her. It's surprising isn't it, how frightening things seem to attract us. **I wish she had never come to me at all, but I was glad she did come to me at all, but I'm glad she did. In a way she saved me which is very unnerving. **She was full of anger and surprisingly more sanity. She would whisper to me all the time, she was noiseless and couldn't be seen by others; she was free while I was her prisoner. I tried to pretend she didn't exist, Dr. Adams says it was my way of phasing out, of avoiding the truth and consequences. I've always wanted to deny my crime, but my fingerprints were all over Maria's body and bloodied neck. "_Plead insanity" _She whispered. It was as if I had someone else living inside my body, looking out through my eyes, pushing down on Maria's neck trying to stop the gushing blood; or trying to prevent me from saving her. But it was me, I confess it. Do not confuse her with me. I had nothing to do with killing Maria which was performed by her, and me alone. Don't believe her do you? Don't believe me huh? How can you believe anything I say? That's always going to be the problem, though never hers. I'm the one plausible, she is the one who took me in because I am her creature; I was very uncomfortable inside my own skin after Maria's suicide. When she died it was as if my body was invisibly penetrated; what's more it was removed as well. It was like my outermost layers of skin, that I didn't know or realize could be separated from me, slowly and literally disappeared. Layer by layer I ceased to exist. Pain had taught me to separate from my body. I tried to fight her, fight against it; she wanted full control of me.

_You know you can't fight me. You know you can't ignore me even if you tried. After all this time I wouldn't think you need a demonstration. I would think you knew this. I'm going to have to show __you. _The voice taunted me, I started seeing myself with Maria; just seeing the images brought a sharp pain to my head. I became dizzy and fell to the floor. Lying on the floor, with pain washing over me, the voice began to taunt me again. _Ignore me? _She sneered. _If not for me you wouldn't be here, I'm the reason you didn't break, I'm the reason you survived; and now you want to ignore me? You want to shove me aside? You think I'm going to be ignored by you? I'm not going to let you walk away from me. Do you think you can suddenly stop. YOU NEED ME! _Her voice was booming in my head. "_Let's go outside and play, I think we need to establish who's in control, I know what this is about. You can't hide anything from me. I know you don't believe it but we're connected and will be together forever. I am you; I'm your stronger side and I will hurt you if you make me. I don't want to but I will if it means showing you I am in charge. Now stop fucking fighting me!_"

I tried to reason with her, but she didn't want to listen to me; she wanted me to do things. She began to toy with me, made me see her, made me see all the good times.

I was seeing Maria and I cuddling in her bed, I saw our first kiss. I tried to block it out; I tried to not let it...but it felt, I felt warm and Maria was so happy. It felt good because i-it just did. Then she snatched it away, the images went dark. She showed me Maria breaking up with me, she reminded me of Maria being away from me for those long three months, she reminded me of how much it hurt; I was feeling how much it hurt to miss her.

I begged her to stop; but she wouldn't. She told me she had to show me she was in charge. I told her okay, I would do anything she wanted; but she had to show me. She wanted me to be sure of who was in control. She showed me the images I try so hard to block out. I was taken back to that night. I was next to Maria with her neck hanging open with my hands trying to close it back. Blood was spurting everywhere. It played over and over and over. It hurt too much to have to see it. I grabbed my head trying to shut it out; I fell to the floor.

My body jerked and twisted because when your mind and body are not in sync you are in less control, I remember my calling out to Maria, the voice was back. "_No more trying to walk away from me, from us." _Her voice whispered to me; and I gave her complete control.

For a long time after that, I was trapped inside my head; I had a chaotic interior. It was a sickening feeling, day after day having to be confronted with the reality of her death on the daily basis, it was the memories and the nightmares that made me hurt physically.

It was her way of controlling me and it worked. She would violate my mind whenever she wanted and I was too weak to stop her. I never imagined pain would have this kind of control over me, but she did and she knew it; she used it whenever I tried to fight her. She would show me who was in charge and it was her. I suffered through my mind. My nightmares were always the same. I got to re-live Maria's death and fail to save her time and time again. I got to hold her in my arms and watch her slip away. I had her sticking to me; her blood covering me, seeping into my skin. She lay in my arms, leaving me behind; she had this look on her face but I wasn't able to read it. My eyes were too watery from my tears. She was without movement except for her body slightly jerking. Her hand that gripped my shirt was slowly loosening until finally it dropped as her eyes rolled to the back of her head. She was gone. She turned into an empty vessel that I watched a dark liquid flow from until it was empty. Holding her close to me she lay in my arms motionless; once a beautiful life full of colors turned into a shape without form, without texture.

* * *

**A/N: This particular story comes from my personal experience. Suicide is an extremely traumatic subject. I want anyone who has been left behind or those who have lost someone to Suicide, you don't have to suffer through this alone. It's important you know you can make it through this. You can PM me if you want to talk or anything. It's important to know that I've changed names, dates and locations to protect the vulnerable and innocent**.


	6. Chapter 5

**THE WALKING WOUNDED**

**Content Warning: Due to the delicate nature pertaining to Suicide I want to alert everyone. There is and will be very graphic, traumatic and horrific scenes throughout.**

Chapter 5

Of Human Emotions

* * *

"PTSD." Lauren repeated out loud as she sat across talking to Dr. Adams. "And it was brought on by Maria's suicide?" Lauren repeated what Dr. Adams was explaining to her.

The therapist nodded, "It provoked extreme stress in you, Lauren, and that stress was the cause of your psychotic break. Do you understand? You have all the classic symptoms of Post-traumatic stress disorder. Reliving her suicide which has been affecting your everyday life, you relive it, you suffer from nightmares; you avoid dating brunette's just because Maria was a brunette, so now you only gravitate toward blondes. You don't sleep, you have anger problems; you are weighed down by guilt and the guilt is causing you to need to hurt yourself. It's why we are working on helping you to pull up and face all the related feelings you've buried. There is treatment called desensitization therapy, which could have helped if you were diagnosed early and got the needed support..." Lauren's body went rigid. Dr. Adams noticed right away. "Lauren, what is it?"

Lauren softly whispered "Kathleen? Did she know? About me having PTSD, could she have seen it when she was my therapist? You think she saw it? If she had done something..." She paused to gather herself. "Do you think she didn't treat me on purpose? ...But she wouldn't do that. Would she? Why would she do that? She was my therapist. She did help me. She helped me to...I wanted it. I wanted her. She had feelings for me. She told me she wanted me and she knew I wanted her. She was right. She made me feel good, like she told me she would."

"Lauren wait." She stopped her from talking. "What she did was wrong because it was rape, whether you wanted it or not. Because she was your therapist, she was meant to help you, instead she abused her position; what she did was wrong. She crossed the line. It's called counter transference. How do you feel about that? How do you feel knowing she raped you?"

Sighing, Lauren ran her hand through her hair. "I feel confused. I feel angry but she's right about me initiating it, I did kiss her first and I did want her; I hadn't had sex with a woman for a long time. I masturbated a lot, I wanted to but I couldn't; once I started seeing Kathleen as my therapist I was able to be with her. It wasn't love for me, because I loved Maria, I wasn't able to love another woman because my heart wanted Maria; but Kathleen told me if I trusted her she could help me be with women. We had a lot of sex, we had dirty sex, where she let me do all kinds of things to her. It was like she was inside my head, she knew all my dirty little wants and needs. We were having it all the time. God she made me want her all the time; we had sex a lot after my sessions. Sometimes before." Lauren laid down on the couch and tried to relax.

"It's alright, Lauren. Take your time." Dr. Adams helped.

"We had sex because it's what I wanted. I wanted her. I know you say its rape but was it? I wanted her. I've never wanted a woman like I wanted Kathleen except for Maria. I don't know how but Kathleen knew me. She knew things that I liked. S-she...god she made me feel...she knew things...certain things that I...she let me explore...I explored things with her. You ever heard of...tribbing?" She blushed as she asked nervously. "Tribbing?" Dr. Adams asked. Lauren blushed even more.

"Sex with her was..." Lauren paused as she became more flustered. "Tribbing is when two women...it's when one of the women..." Dr. Adams stood up and walked over to the couch. "Lauren, I want you to do something for me. I want you to close your eyes. We are going to take you to a different place. Now just relax. Just breathe. Breathe deep and slow. I'm going to help you to relax so you can take me through the times you were intimate with your therapist."

**Flashback**

"Sshh...Lauren? Sshh, it's okay." Wiping away Lauren's tears Kathleen spoke softly as she kissed in between words. "I know you're afraid, I know this is about Maria; I want you to trust me Lauren. You know what you do to me? I know you want me. A moan escaped Lauren's mouth as the words registered in her mind. Lauren's world was spinning and Kathleen's mouth was everywhere. Slowly lowering herself onto Lauren, Kathleen opened her lips with her tongue and explored her mouth. Holding Lauren's hands tightly she, again, kissed her mouth. Lying still for a few minutes, Lauren pulled her hands, wanting to be released; but Kathleen wouldn't let go. Not at first. Lauren's breathing was coming in small sobs, as she was becoming racked with guilt, for betraying Maria by wanting Kathleen so much. Lauren felt arms slide around her waist pulling her close. Confused, she let herself be pulled into her therapist arms, Kathleen spoke. "I'm only trying to help you be with women again, I don't want you to be afraid of this, but it's okay if you don't want to." Kathleen assured her. Lauren was scared. She tried not to show it. "You know what? I'd like to show you a few things, I know you'd like." Kathleen whispered. Lauren dropped her head for a moment.

"But Maria? I-I don't..." Her mind was so active with thoughts of Maria, she didn't notice Kathleen had taken her top off.

"I know you want me." Kathleen whispered as she went to hug Lauren, but she backed away. There was a voice in her head telling her this was wrong. She quickly began to panic. She was hyperventilating when she felt warm breath on neck. When she finally came to a decision, she breathed, "Kathleen."

"Sshh...you want me and you can have me." She whispered as she grabbed Lauren's hand. Lauren couldn't believe what was happening, guiding Lauren's hand to her body, she whispered, "It's alright Lauren, touch me...kiss me" She begged. There were tears running down Lauren's cheeks. Kathleen pulled her into a hug, which Lauren gladly accepted. They sat holding one another. Kathleen started to inhale Lauren's scent. "You feel so good." She heard Kathleen whisper. "Maria wants you to feel good." She whispered as she bit Lauren's earlobe and licked it slowly.

Lauren could only nod, she felt a warm breath against her neck; Kathleen pulled her in as their bodies pressed together. Soft moans escaped from Lauren, with trembling hands she hesitantly touched Kathleen's body. She tried not to shake with self conscious fear at what she was feeling but she wasn't able to stop herself. "I know what you need." She eased out of bed and disappeared for a few minutes. She came back with a glass in her hand. "Here. I want you to drink this. It will help to calm you down. It's going to relax you." Kathleen handed Lauren the glass.

"What is it?" Lauren asked as tears fell freely.

"Something to help you relax. You miss her. You want to be with her again." Kathleen breathes in Lauren's ear. Lauren gulps down the liquid hungrily. Kathleen smiles and takes the glass away. "It's been a long time since you felt this way because, Lauren, they don't understand you like I do. I know you; I know you want me." She whispers as she begins to guide Lauren. She noticed the look on Lauren's face.

"Kiss me." Lauren begged.

Smiling Kathleen whispered, "Are you sure?"

"Yes" Lauren answered desperately.

**In a stranger's house that is Lauren's mind...**

"She knows." The voice boomed. Lauren's head shot up, "How long did you think you could keep it from her? Did you really think she wouldn't figure it out? I felt she had a right to know. It's not like it's not true." Lunging at herself they landed hard.

"Don't you go near Maria." Anger was running through Lauren and it was just what Lauren's dark side wanted. Lauren toyed with herself, showing images and memories. "Stop it!" Lauren yelled. It was killing her facing herself.

"What's the matter? You still can't admit it can you, not even to yourself? You know it's true. I know it's true. And so does she. I told her the truth because your too weak to admit it. That's why you needed me then. Its why you need me now, to do the dirty work. Just admit it. You were relieved she was gone. Weren't you? For a split second..."

Lauren without warning, tightened the grip on herself by the collar and shoved her face into the floor.

Lauren struggled against herself. "Are you crazy? You n-need me. You need me to be the strong one. You're really weak you know that. But that's okay. It's why I'm here. Why don't you just admit it? She was killing you. All her drama... Don't you get it? Don't you get why I'm here? The fact that you're so fucking weak is why I'm here." Lauren choked out.

Suddenly Lauren heard staggering footsteps behind her. When she turned around it was Maria. "Is it true?" Maria asked softly. "Did you...just tell me the truth." She was staring at Lauren with tears in her eyes. When Lauren couldn't answer blood slowly began to appear on Maria's shirt. She raised her hand to her neck. Seconds later blood was spurting through her hand. "You, why didn't you save me? Answer me. Why didn't you try to save me? Tell me the truth." Maria demanded. YOU KILLED ME!" Maria yelled at Lauren as her body fell to the floor going into convulsions.

Lauren tried to get to Maria but she wasn't able to pull away from herself. "LET ME GO! SHE NEEDS ME. I HAVE TO SAVE HER." She yelled at herself.

But Lauren wouldn't let herself go. "Something tells me your too late." Lauren smirked at herself.

Both Lauren's looked in the direction of Maria's body. There was no movement. Lauren pulled away from herself and ran to Maria. She saw her girlfriend laying in a large pool of blood. She pulled Maria's body close and held her tightly. She was covered in blood when she finally let her go. She stood and turned back toward herself.

Lauren pinned herself to the floor and threw a flurry of punches, connecting to her upper body, her face taking the brunt of the blows. Lauren was punching with murderous intent. The last blow effectively knocking herself unconscious. Lauren looked down; she was hovering over herself, hating what she saw. Her adrenaline was pumping, She was back to throwing punches; only this time with more precision behind them.

Lauren tried to squirm loose from herself. "She's mad at you. She knows. She knows you could have saved her and you didn't. And she'll never understand why you didn't." Lauren smiles up at herself.

Lauren couldn't take it anymore. She started to tremble. Grabbing the gun she held it to her temple. Flashes of Maria dying burst inside her head. They stood facing one another. They were the same and very different for similar reasons. Lauren's dark side born out of fear, guilt and anger facing one another. "Am I really that bad? Would you rather I didn't exist? So it wasn't suicide? You're a murderer." Lauren's dark side voice was tinted with menace. Maria's word played over and over again loudly in Lauren's head. Lauren was pulled from her train of thought by a warm substance dripping down on her.

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**A/N: This particular story comes from my personal experience. Suicide is an extremely traumatic subject. I want anyone who has been left behind or those who have lost someone to Suicide, you don't have to suffer through this alone. It's important you know you can make it through this. You can PM me if you want to talk or anything. It's important to know that I've changed names, dates and locations to protect the vulnerable and innocent**.


	7. Chapter 6

**THE WALKING WOUNDED**

**Chapter 6**  
**Rape...of Consciousness**

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**Dr. Adams POV**

License No. and state 012170 New York

Patient: Ms. Lauren Lewis

Case Number: 02678

Patient suffers from PTSD, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder due to witnessing girlfriend suicide

Treatment/Medication: Prazosin (Minipress)

PSTD related Nightmares & Sleep Disruption

Doses: Capsule, 2 mg.

I received a disturbing call from Lauren last night, knowing right away something was wrong. I decided to go to her place; feeling she was on the emotional edge brought on by nightmares. When I arrived she was highly upset and very agitated. Dishevelled, she paced around the kitchen, mumbling incoherently. I tried talking to her once we entered the kitchen, but it was as if I wasn't even there. She lay with her face on the counter top softly talking. To the outside world it would have seemed as if she were talking to it. But it was Maria she was talking to. She explained one of the major reasons for getting this particular apartment was because Maria was at home in the kitchen. Maria was a great cook and she wanted her to have her dream kitchen. It was only after she moved in and signed the three year lease; she remembered Maria was dead. When I questioned her about what happened tonight, at the start she wasn't making sense; she has nightmares about Maria but lately she's expressed to me the nature of the dreams have become worse. They are triggering her self-hatred. She told me she argued with herself about killing Maria; as she fought with herself, Maria appeared yelling that she had murdered her. When I tried to calm her down with logic, she exploded, screaming at me, "NO! NO SHE'S RIGHT! IT WAS MY FAULT! SHE SAID SO. SHE TOLD ME ITS MY FAULT! I MURDERED HER." Then she walked in the kitchen, gently touching the counter top, she laid her head against it and stopped talking.

"Lauren? Hey, tell me who told you that? Who told you that you murdered Maria?" I asked softly.

Lauren continued to stare at and touch the counter top. After a long silence she finally whispered "She did, Maria told me, she told me I killed her." Just saying it sent her back into a total loss of control.

I feared she would hurt herself out of rage, so I decided to first try to help talk her through her feelings, "Lauren when did you talk to Maria? Why would she say something like that? You know its..."

She cut me off. "What? That it's not true? That I didn't kill her? No she said it because it's true! I saw it in her eyes when she said it." Lauren leaned down and rested her face back against the counter top, "She was here. S-sh... Maria was here tonight and she was mad at me, she's mad at me because she knows; she hates me. I-I think, I mean she knows but...you know what's in my head more than I do. Tell me! Is it true? Am I...did I? Did I kill her? I-I she hates me!"

The more Lauren talked the more frantic she became. It was clear to me what was happening. I was finally able to get Lauren away from the counter top where she stood sobbing and took her to the living room. As she turned up the music loud, I recognized it right away, " Evanescence, Amy Lee helps you to calm down. What is it about her?" I asked, as she sat with her eyes closed, humming the song. She sat still long enough to enable me to sedate her; shortly before Lauren told me something to set off red flags and alarms in my head. I felt it best to cancel our session we had scheduled for today, I stayed with her last night to watch, to see for myself how the nightmares effected her. I turned on the tape recorder when she was in a deep enough sleep. When she awoke she expressed feeling physically tired. I thought it best to cancel our session we scheduled for this morning. She is spending the day working on ideas for a new book, she received an email from a woman named Bo. I watched her reaction when she first received it and when I asked about Bo, Lauren became very flustered; it was an interesting reaction.

**Dr. Adams notes**

(Puts in a new tape in recorder)

The therapist sighed, "I want to say one thing about Lauren Lewis. It's my professional opinion, that it is not only about where it is Lauren has ended up; but rather how she arrived here. Her previous therapist did serious psychological as well as emotional damage. She's been my patient for a year now and it's taken her some time to be able to trust me. Considering all she went through with Kathleen, what I find surprising is her reaction to me, as her psychiatrist. Lauren has trust issues, but not so much with others, more herself. It was her who sought therapy, she doesn't have what I think should be fears of opening up to me; it made me very curious. There were a lot of barriers to move beyond inside Lauren's psyche, but she's made considerable progress in helping herself begin to move forward.

When pushed into a very heightened, emotional state of mind, Lauren falls into a very suggestive state. This is a simple case. What I'm dealing with is called Countertransference. Where a case of transference is the case of unconscious redirection of feelings are from one person to another. After getting Lauren to trust her, Kathleen, purposely violated Lauren's conscious. Lauren doesn't understand that what took place between them is wrong because of two things; One, the sex took place in Kathleen's apartment and always after Lauren had opened herself up to Kathleen emotionally, which made Lauren the perfect candidate for Kathleen to seduce her. Two, they were not only doctor and patient but also girlfriends. When she's upset, Lauren rambles, but has clear and precise thoughts. She talks about being visited by Maria, which isn't uncommon because she suffers from Survivor Guilt; always punishing herself for still living. Its why she thinks Maria blames her, she also suffers from PTSD.

Lauren confirmed my worst fears and suspicions about Kathleen. Last night, Lauren spoke of how Kathleen told her she knew what Maria was feeling; she would tell Lauren how Maria wanted her to trust her and made it seem she was telling Lauren this to help her. She told her their being close is what Maria wanted. From what Lauren has told me, I have deduced that Kathleen would use what she learned in session to fill in the blanks about Maria's feelings toward their relationship; in order to seduce Lauren. From a psychological stand point, it is my belief that Kathleen tapped into Lauren's overwhelming feelings of guilt toward Maria, then her anger toward Maria; then her momentary sense of relief when Maria killed herself. Because of her guilt, Lauren won't allow herself to understand, that this occurs in cases where a person who commits suicide because of feelings stemming from a long time of pain and suffering. I explained her relief is often accompanied by guilt as the friend or family member who tried to help with no success in helping, leading to explosive consequences.

Lauren saw Kathleen for counselling from February 2006 to October 2008. During our initial visit we talked about her medical history and discussed the problems she was having with her dealing with the death of Maria. Kathleen was supposed to help Lauren, be the outside perspective who wasn't personally involved; instead, she used Lauren's guilt and anger toward herself, putting her on a very dangerous collision course with herself. It's why Lauren hurts herself. Kathleen suggested to Lauren that she could help her with her fear of not loving Maria. From listening to Lauren, it is my belief that Kathleen suggested to her that Maria needed to know how much she loves her. This is typical of the way, I believe, Kathleen manipulated Lauren; laying the groundwork for the eventual sexual conquest, by zeroing in on Lauren's vulnerability (in this case, her need to proove her devotion to Maria).

"S-she asked about my fears and made suggestions on ways I could show her. She uh...well she told me she thought that it would be okay with Maria if we...if she and I..." Pausing, Lauren ran her hand through her hair. She took a deep breath and wiped tears from her eyes. "She told me that if we were to become close it would be good for me, because she was trained in psychology and would be able to understand all my problems without judgment. She kept telling me how she was finding it hard to resist me. Then she asked if it was okay if she called me outside of her office so we could discuss our feelings for one another. I didn't really want to because of Maria, but she reminded me how Maria, you know...how she... but Kathleen was sure if I could do this; be with her then Maria would see how much I love her."

Kathleen knew from the content of therapy sessions that Lauren's guilt drove her need to prove her love to Maria. She knew Lauren's mental health, she knew what it took to control her and make her upset, she used all the information and training to see to it that Lauren felt only she could make her feel better; by telling her how much she cared for her and that Maria wanted to be shown she cared for her. Lauren told me she wasn't sure but she continued her sessions.

After two months of intense therapy she showed up at Lauren's apartment one night out of concern, "She told me she knew how bad I wanted her and that she felt the same. S-she she wanted to...with me but she was holding back because she felt I wasn't ready to prove to Maria my... feelings. I couldn't...I wanted Maria to see that I did want her but what if Maria...it was cheating on her. I did but I couldn't...I tried to tell her but I ended up hurting her. I offended her. She told me she made a mistake confessing her feelings to me and she should go. I wasn't able to...that is I couldn't hurt Maria but I hurt Kathleen. I tried to tell her but she walked out .The next morning she left me a message telling me I should get myself another therapist because she felt it wasn't going to work because I didn't trust her. I wasn't able to function for days. She told me I would be okay with a new therapist, I tried to see her but she was busy. When she wasn't able to see me I wasn't ...I realized how much I really needed her. She thought it would be better for me if we had no contact. She told me she could see I wasn't able to come to terms with my feelings for her. I-I had to prove her wrong. I wanted to show her I was ready to admit to my feelings. It was me who initiated our sexual relationship after convincing her to be my therapist again. She told me she would have to drop two patients just to help me. She told me I was special. I wanted to show her she was special to me too."

I let Lauren take a breather to gather herself. I spoke to her about what it is that's going on with her. "Lauren you understand there are two sides to suicide. The one who dies, and the one who survives."

Lauren shakes her head. "I-I do. I understand that but my brain sometimes go and go. It's like I'm trying to drag myself through a thick river of heavy emotions. Sometimes I have good days, sometimes not so good. But I know one thing is true." I look Lauren straight in the face, waiting for her to talk. She pulls her legs into her chest and wraps her arms tightly around them. Rocking back and forth, she whispers softly, "I know I'll never be who I use to be. I know I am not who I was, I don't know me, I have no idea who I am. Sometimes it's hard to think straight, I know what is going on around me; but sometimes my thoughts are incoherent and it's hard to think. Things feel... not real, but familiar in an abstract sense. My thoughts don't click like they use to." Lauren sighed as she closed her eyes and rested her head in her hands.

It's taken me almost a year to get Lauren to be able to talk about her sexual relationship with Kathleen. It was a slow process to help her move beyond certain psychological hurdles. After finally admitting to their sexual relationship, Lauren insisted it was her who initiated it. I believe Lauren was the perfect subject to plant a suggestion. She keeps telling me how she wasn't able to remember but Kathleen would help her to fill in the blanks about their sexual relationship. Kathleen's emotional manipulation had a strong and dangerous effect to where it lead Lauren to believe having sex with Kathleen would help her to be close to Maria again."

**It's my professional opinion what Kathleen did was rape!**

* * *

**A/N: This story comes from my personal experience. This is a traumatic subject. Anyone can PM me if you want. It's important to know I've changed names, dates and locations to protect the vulnerable and the innocent.**


	8. Chapter 7

**THE WALKING WOUNDED**

Chapter 7

What Lies Beneath/Baser Instinct

**Lauren's POV**

I wake up screaming, trembling and drenched in sweat; believing it to be Maria's blood. My body feeling as if I went the full twelve rounds against Mike Tyson. I have spent restless years fighting these demons, they know me well enough to know that when I lose my way, even momentarily; they own me. It used to be really bad, and it's taken some years, but my therapy is helping me to come to terms with many of my repressed feelings. I've been attending my sessions for a year now. Her name is Dr. Denise Adams and she's my psychiatrist; she actually has me believing I'm not damaged like I used think. It's become much more easier to talk to her, it took me months, but we're at a place where I can step into her office and it comes pouring out. So I have opened up to her about giving into my demons. She made it easy for me to just let it go and say it finally.

**Flashback**

"I remember it. I remember the day I finally let go. I remember it so well. I had just awoken from another horrific nightmare. My head was pounding because of all the noises going on inside it. It was loud with silent screams and hard soft noises. It was filled with bloody images. If I have to pick which was worse, the visuals or the noises I will definitely say it was the constant low gurgling noise that haunted me. One night I stood hearing Maria choke on her blood. It became too much. I was standing there when out of frustration and panic I banged my head against a wall. For a few seconds the noise went dead, the imagery went blurry. It was in that instance that it happened. It wasn't anything earth moving and perhaps if it had been I might have been afraid. But because it wasn't I felt a sense of relief. I didn't know it then but looking back, I'm sure it's when things deteriorated from bad to was in that split moment, through that one act I thought to be solace was in fact the beginning of my emotional down fall. When in fact it was my demons discovering my "tell." Through this one act of pent up frustration my inner demons who seem to enjoy the show found my Achilles heel. I believe it to be then they began to make plans to make more appearances, which turned out to be often and with severe consequences.

Soon the head banging became my nightly ritual, I'd awaken scared and in pain. Without even thinking about it, without turning on the lights I stumbled to the nearest wall and slam my head into it. I'd get dizzy and fall back into bed and sleep a peaceful night sleep. There were times I felt something warm slowly trickling down my face, coming to stop on my top lip. I'd wake up the next morning crumpled on the floor with dry blood on my forehead and face from where I tore skin. That went on for a long while with me getting such peaceful nights of sleep. I'm ashamed and scared to admit this but like with all addicts when abusing drugs too often and too much I got addicted to the pain. It was all about connecting solidly with the hard surface sending me to the sweet blissful land of unconsciousness. It didn't take long before the affects wore off. My mind quickly went to that even darker place. Her suicide ignited in me a pain so powerful, so pressing, that it easily conjured up voices that told me, all but commanded me to do things I did not want to do, voices that easily convinced me the only way to survive was to hurt. I tried to tell myself to battle these relentless urges to hurt myself and possibly others. It turns out I wasn't strong enough. Looking back I think it was an awakening. Or some kind of release. I was offered freedom from my pain. I took it. I embraced it. I let myself merge with this thing growing within me. What I did not know, what I failed to understand at the time was my freedom came with a price. What I didn't fully get was how a sacrifice was demanded in return .I stupidly I agreed. But for the first time I felt, found since losing Maria. Just merging wasn't enough for this growing need. The voices wouldn't leave me alone until I went out and did something else. My twisted demanding demons, that I'd do anything to shut up, the terrible things I did to quiet them down. I went out, did things I didn't think I was capable of doing. I found myself on search and destroy missions. It's not the kind you think. No this was all about my going out looking for a fight but it was purely about getting myself hurt. They were definitely more in the way of "search and get destroyed" missions. I didn't care one way or another as long as I got hurt in the process. It was all about getting the images of Maria out of my head. I didn't care how much physical pain I had to endure, the more I hurt; the less I felt her. I always felt free when my body was hurt and bruised from getting the shit beat out of me, it seemed to silence the chaos in my head. Let me be clear about one thing, it wasn't my plan to get myself killed, I just wanted to get fucked up to the point where the chaos in my head would be silenced. Id fall to sleep some nights with blood still on me because I felt so relaxed after getting hurt I fell right to sleep. I wasn't seeing Maria in my head dying and was able to fall to sleep.

When I was trapped inside my head and at the darkest place I've ever known, I would torture myself by doing something very disturbing; I think I even scared Dr. Adams when I got the courage to tell her. When I felt I needed to punish myself for not saving Maria I would do something to help fuel my hate toward myself. That action would then push my emotional hot buttons causing me to go round and round in a vicious cycle. I would sit and watch the movie "The devil's advocate" suicide scene with Charlize Theron. I'd watch it over and over and over, again and again and again, triggering my memory flashes. It was in those times I would grab my bike, go out and battle for supremacy of the streets of New York, Cab drivers are notorious for their bad driving habits, I would be out racing against them; I'd cause accidents with cars by running red lights.

I don't know if my seeking therapy was the smartest thing or the craziest to do. I'm learning just how emotionally fucked up I really am. I-I knew, well now I know for sure, I am emotionally damaged; but according to Dr. Adams, I'm not damaged just broken.

I am learning about myself. I'm confused as to if it's good to know just what it is that's going on inside my head. While at the same time I think it's important to know myself.

I have learned a great deal about myself and exactly what Maria's suicide has done to me. This is what I have learned about myself. My pain and need for vengeance against myself is just as grotesque as Maria was beautiful. I learned it's only natural that no matter how nice or good a person is, everyone has a dark side. It was just a matter of finding my switch and having it pulled. Looking and seeing are two different things, it's for this reason my life was altered having watched Maria die. I could feel something in me change. I wasn't sure but, whatever happened, it was as if I slowly became someone else. That night and for some time after it's as if someone or something rose to my surface. I could feel myself began to tremble. closing my eyes and I took a few deep breathes to try to calm myself. But it was too late. In the world there are two kinds people. You have the explosive and the implosive. The explosive is the person, two people in front of you who always find reasons to scream at the Barista Kevin in your neighbourhood Starbucks. He's not serving his Latte fast enough or not hot enough. The implosive is Kevin. He's quiet. Day after day, week after week, he takes the treatment of the abusive customer. Until one day he loses it. He kills everyone in the Starbucks. Which am I? Maria's suicide had driven me to the dark side that I chose to take. Anger cancels out logic and empathy every-time. It's because when we're angry we can't help but feel justified in our actions no matter how bad. It's as if the real me disappeared. I slowly cease to exist. The light I had surrounding me was slowly removed layer by layer, all the way to my core shrinking my light letting my darkness grow. **It was my decision to take the path I did**. **I was really overwhelmed. Is this the part where one would think was my failure in control. That is just on the surface. It was more than that. It was something much deeper. I was not at all powerless to stop it. I chose not to. That was my control. **The kind of pain I am dealing with made me physically sick at times, enter fatigue, and I wasn't able to function on some days. When I was out getting pain inflicted upon me there was no need to escape me, I was my escape; the more I hurt the less I felt her in my head. Dragging myself in some nights I would look in the mirror and I wasn't disgusted by seeing my own reflection. I enjoyed seeing the real me. The bruised and bloodied person looking back at me. With my busted lip, swollen face I was then able to look at me and like the shell of a person staring back. By looking I couldn't tell myself apart from them anymore. In the quiet moments I tried to tell myself to battle these relentless urges to hurt or others. With my spirit severely fractured, I spend my nights trying to channel these demons that were very insistent. With my facade crumbling I stopped fighting it because the overwhelming pain had hardened and hurt me.

I'm ashamed and scared to admit it but I got addicted to hurting myself. When I wasn't working on my book I got a job as a bicycle messenger. There I had a greater chance of getting hurt as I weaved like a psycho through traffic, running red lights and just being as reckless as I could be. I bought a Raleigh Aluminium racing bike second hand in mint condition for just $400.00 dollars. It was from my neighbour who was avid rider. He was upgrading and was looking to get rid of it. The bike was fast and built for speed; it was easy to be reckless on it. My need for pain had me out riding at all times of night. My style of riding got me a nickname from the other bicycle messengers I rode with "Kamikaze Girl.". Then one hot night we were all heading back to the office when we made a bet. It was five of us. The first one back to the office would get $100.00 dollars. I didn't need the money but, at times, I was full of uncontrollable rage, which I would unleash upon myself. I was weak emotionally but physically I was very strong, if not stronger than before. Driven by pain I took the bet, because I was out to hurt me; the previous night and the one before I had really bad dreams where Maria's suicide was too loud inside my head. **It was on the Friday evening, September 7, 2007 on the streets of lower Manhattan where my legend-my total defiance of traffic laws came to life. **It was on this night on I would forever be seen as "Kamikaze Girl." I made sure enough people knew of my side job as a messenger so I wouldn't be questioned. I let myself be seen leaving my apartment carrying my bike. With my cover story in place I didn't have to explain the bumps and bruises. I rode to and from Central Park sure to be seen by people in the neighbourhood. While racing through Central Park near 79th street I made a move that was sure to cause me to crash with a few other cyclists. With my cover story in place I was free to go out and get pummelled as often as I felt the need. I would never have to explain away my bumps and bruises."

Lauren begins to cry. Dr. Adams lets her cry. She doesn't interfere with Lauren's grieving. She sits quietly as Lauren slowly goes within herself and feels. It's what they have been working toward. She doesn't move a muscle. She doesn't say a word. She watches. Half sobbing Lauren speaks. "Three years later, I was struggling with her suicide. My heart still felt ripped out from having lost her. I didn't realize it then but, I have come to learn through coming here, I was very angry she could do such a terrible thing. But I didn't mean to be; I don't mean to be so messed up after all these years." Lauren whimpered.

Dr. Adams gave thought to what Lauren told her before speaking. "It's my professional opinion Lauren that you were the object of a psychological subjugation that became physical." Lauren stared at her Psychiatrist. Dr. Adams turned off the tape recorder and stands. She hands Lauren some tissues. "Okay you have just another thirty minutes left. I say we let you relax." After about ten minutes Dr. Adams saw Lauren was okay again to talk to her. "Lauren as human beings, we all have a dark side. There is a part of us that is void of human compassion. It's just a matter of having your trigger pulled. Do you ever wonder what would happen if you were enclosed with your inner demons?" She asked.

Lauren slowed down her pacing. "I-I don't know what?" she asks.

Dr. Adams tells her as Lauren lays back on the couch. "It would mean the **freedom of your baser instincts." **The blonde shrugged. "Do you know it's believed humans begin truly appreciate the depth of love when a painful time of extreme loss happens? I know it's hard to grasp but through loss we do grow inside. The less wisdom one possess, the more likely it is we succumb to our baser instincts. It's the conscious control over our emotions. With technology what it is today I really believe we have become desensitized to violence. Maria's suicide took something from you. She robbed you of something, she didn't purposely intend to; but she did. And I believe you when you tell me you took that dark path. But I don't think it was really conscious on your part. You remember what we talked about in your last session?"

Lauren flinched before answering. "You mean my having PTSD? How could I forget? When your Psychiatrist tells you your damaged it's not something I would forget." Lauren whispers.

Dr. Adams sits forward in her chair. "Lauren I never told you I think your damaged. What I told you is that your broke; and broke can be fixed. You're here at your own will. You reached out to me. You come here, and from day one you have been a willing participant, granted your were scared but you still allowed yourself to be open with me. With all you suffered through I think it's very brave of you. You have questions, thoughts and fears and yet your still here, Lauren. You come in with an open mind. That says a lot about the kind of woman you are."

Lauren stands up. "She said, s-she told me she can't make anyone, s-she can't make people do things they wouldn't do otherwise unless it's already in their nature. She says I-I what I did all the...I everything we did.. that it's in my nature to cheat."

Dr. Adams, fed up with what Lauren was telling her, she calmed her down and tried her best to explain away Kathleen's harm. "Lauren listen to me." When Lauren didn't respond Dr. Adams took Lauren by her arm making her sit. "Lauren I need you to focus. There is no excuse for what she did to you. It was rape Lauren. It was rape! You didn't do anything wrong. Kathleen is the one who is in the wrong. She took advantage of the fact that you miss Maria, and you love her with all your heart. She took advantage of you; the fact that she used her knowledge of your guilt to seduce you, says it all. You had sex with her because she told you that Maria wanted it, she used your guilt and your need to prove to Maria your undying love. Most of the sex was during your (supposed) sessions. Everything she did was to serve her sexual needs, she didn't do anything to help you. She could have told you about your PTSD and she didn't. I want you to know I'm not comfortable with what she did to you. She raped you Lauren. It's very important you understand just because it wasn't forced physically by her ripping your clothes off you or holding you down, it was still rape. She manipulated your emotional vulnerability. She tricked you into drinking alcohol, getting you drunk. She possibly drugged you. And all to lower your inhibition for you to have sex with her."

Lauren took a deep breath, holding it then slowly letting it out. "It was rape. She raped me."

Dr. Adams looked Lauren in her eyes. She nodded her head confirming it. "Yes she raped you."

Lauren sat in her own world. She tried to remember but she couldn't. "I-I can't. She didn't say the names. She told me they were going to help open my mind. They were going to calm me, help me not be nervous. They were white pills. I think." Lauren was getting upset because she wasn't able to remember. "I remember feeling light headed after taking them." Dr. Adams sat listening carefully. "Why can't I remember what kind of pills she gave me?" Lauren asked.

The psychiatrist spoke very carefully. "It's because they were very strong mind altering drugs I believe. Its why you have blank spots in your memory. Its why your coming up blank about some details."

"When I tried to break up with her, she made me feel as if something was wrong with me; then I felt lost without her. She told me we could still be friends, and that it was important I continued to see her for therapy, because it would be hard for me to connect with anyone else. I told her she was right. Then in session she talked about her new girlfriend. I don't know why but I got very jealous. She told me it was okay that I still had strong emotions for her. After we talked about my feelings about her new girlfriend we went out to dinner. She invited me back to her place. We talked more about my strong emotions. She was trying to be just my friend but for some reason I didn't want just friends and so she gave into me and we had sex that night. We got back together a few days later. We were girlfriends for two years while she treated me. She told me her being my girlfriend and psychiatrist was making it easy to treat me. We had lots of sex. I remember the sex was intense." Lauren whispered.

* * *

**A/N: This story comes from my personal experience. This is a traumatic subject. Anyone can PM me if you want. It's important to know I've changed names, dates and locations to protect the vulnerable and the innocent.**


	9. Chapter 8

**THE WALKING WOUNDED**

**Chapter 8**

**Sacred Intimacy**

155 Grove street

Manhattan, New York

Office of Sandra Evan

Clinical Hypnotherapist

10 years

"Sandra hi. This is Lauren Lewis. Lauren this is Dr. Evan my associate and friend.

Lauren extends her hand toward Dr. Evan, who shakes it. "Hi. How are you? Please, have a seat." The three women sat and began to talk. After twenty minutes Dr. Adams leaves the women alone. "So Lauren tell me why you're here?" She notices the blonde is not sure how to answer. She does her best to ease her fears. "Lauren? May I call you Lauren? I want you to take your time. Just if you can, tell me what brought you here? You're already seeing my associate Dr. Adams and from what she tells me your doing better. She tells me your interested in hypnotherapy." Lauren sighs and stares off into space. "It's okay Lauren. Take as much time as you need." Dr. Evan whispers. Lauren stands up, shoves her hands in her pockets and leans against the wall. Dr. Evan stands and walks over to where Lauren is, "You look comfortable. Can I join you? But if you prefer I didn't..."

Lauren waved her over. "No uh no its your wall." Dr. Evan walks and as soon as she sits on the floor Lauren starts talking. "I hurt and I want to not be with my pain anymore. Dr. Adams believes that you can help me. I think so too." Lauren start to talk but ends up crying instead. " I-I there is so much of me lost but Dr. Adams thinks I can..." Lauren has to stop because she's having a hard time talking. "I have been locked away for so long but I want to be free of me, of these demons finally." Dr. Evan assures Lauren she can help her.

**In a stranger's house that is Lauren's mind...**

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! IT'S NOT TRUE! Lauren screams at herself.  
She looks herself in the eyes as they slam into the wall. "You killed her but it's okay. We were heading down that road for some time can't you see that? I know you wanted her gone. I could feel it. You can admit it to me. Not that you have to because I know the truth. You and I both know the truth, don't we. Why do you think I'm here. Its why I happened. I'm your anchor. I've kept you above water. I'm why you didn't drown from your emotions. I'm why you survived and now you want to get rid of me? You think you could have survived if not for me? I'll tell you a little secret. You're just as much a part of me as I am you, you fool." Lauren snatched herself.

Both fighting against one another. One born out of anger and pain. The other imprisoned out of guilt, shame and fear. "You think this is easy for me? I loved her. She loved me. You think I really wanted her gone? I-I just...I only wanted her to not be in pain. I couldn't stand to see her in pain" they both said in unison.

Lauren's dark side continued, "I'm sorry she's gone but it was for the best and you know it. You know her suicide was for the best in the long run. It brought us closer. I did everything for you. You know that. I helped you to survive. And now you want to get rid of me. I have spent years..."

Lauren cut her off. "I-I can't do this. I-I can't know, I don't want to know so stop it. Please don't." Lauren cried.

Dark Lauren reached out touching her cheek, catching the tear. "You're scared. I understand that but we're as one and I refuse to let you let me go." Her gentle caressing touch becoming a hard pull. Lauren stumbles forward, landing against herself. Dark Lauren tightened her grip on her skull. She whispered into her ear, "You are not going to make me disappear. Do you hear me? I worked too hard at keeping you alive to let you push me aside now. You need me. I won't let you go. You can stop all this talking of getting rid of me. They don't know what they're talking about. Your doctors...they can't help you like I can, like I have for all these years. Now I want you to stop this. You're going to stop talking about wanting me gone to them." She pulled herself in for a hug, which Lauren tried to refuse but wasn't strong enough. The two blondes were pushing and shoving one another. "Just admit it. You know you were happy she left. You know I'm right. If not for her, your life would be different. You're pathetic you know. Still won't admit to the obvious. You know it's true. I know it's true." Lauren swung, catching herself hard in the face. Suddenly another door inside Lauren's mind opened. Lauren turned around, dragging herself with her. Maria walked in holding her bloody neck as blood spurted through her fingers into the air.  
She looked deep into Lauren's eyes. "Why didn't you save me? Is she right? Did you want me gone? You were glad I left." She whispered. The room started to spin seeing the blood and hearing Maria's accusation. Lauren's eyes rolled to the back of her head. Those would be the last words she heard before the darkness.

Dr. Evan works on calming Lauren down. "Lauren I don't think that at all. You want my opinion as a psychiatrist? I'll be honest but only if you promise that you're going to really listen to me." Lauren sat there breathing heavily. It took her a few minutes but she agreed to listen and take what Dr. Evan told her at her word. "Lauren first I want to help clear your mind so that we can calm you down. Okay. I want you to take deep breathes. I want you to watch and listen to the sound of the waves. Imagine yourself on a beach watching these waves as they softly crash into the soft sand at your feet. It's a beautiful hot morning. The sun is just about to come up. I want you to relax and focus on the feel of how nice and relaxed your beach is. I want you to completely relax. I'm going to ask you to continue to be in a relaxed state when you open your eyes." Dr. Evan taps Lauren very lightly on her shoulder. Lauren's eyes open, her breathing is back to normal. "How do you feel?" She asks as Lauren smiles at her.

"Fine. I feel fine. Um I-I what were we talking about?" She questions Dr. Evan. "I was explaining to you about Kathleen. You were clearly vulnerable and she knew you were confused. She led you to believe what you were feeling was sexual tension between the two of you. You told her you felt what you were doing was wrong and how much it confused you. She made and played a DVD of her favourite porn movies she wanted you to watch." Lauren shakes her head. "S-she picked movie's and told me to imagine what her message to me meant. They made me feel very anxious. I think at the time she told me I should feel special or that I was special. I-I can't really remember. So we watched one together. Afterward I remember feeling really ashamed. I couldn't look at her."

"Her behaviour as a person in this field was a disgusting violation of medical ethics. She broke her Hippocratic Oath. She emotionally convinced you that your sexual involvement was a useful part of your psychotherapeutic process. I want you to know I know this was all Kathleen. She was setting the stage. All her long calls to you days between your session to talk to you about her breakup with her girlfriend, her telling you her feelings of her abandonment; I know had to be her making you more vulnerable. All of her excessive self-disclosure was small but it was the beginning of her blurring the boundary between the professional and personal. How were you to know what she was up to? You entrusted important parts of yourself. Kathleen had other motives because of her own needs."

**Two days later**

Dr. Evan sat talking to Lauren. "How have you been Lauren? How is your sleep? Dr. Adams told me your sessions are going well. She says you're more open, you are able to open up more with your feelings. I hear your dreams are more intense. You know it's because your mind is unlocking itself. Tell me how you feel on how our sessions are going. Can we talk about how your feeling about the bad dreams. This is going to sound strange but its good I promise. I know your nervous and its okay this isn't something you need to be afraid of but I want you to know it's okay and I'm glad you have got to a place where your experiencing the nightmares. I want you to remember this is your first. Keep in mind how it was you felt. I want you to remember that you're a good candidate because of your suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. It's your scores that measured your susceptibility."

Lauren jokingly says "I never thought my being with a disorder would play in my favour."

Dr. Evan is glad that Lauren is able to joke about things. It's a good sign. "Keeping in mind the higher the score the more responsive you are to hypnosis. You scored highly. This is going to help you to feel things differently. What we're going to do is called suggestive therapy. It's used in treating pain. It's a way of using your state of mind to find the cause of your pain in your unconscious memory. We're going to carefully trigger your pain and once this happens I'll be better able to treat your trauma. We're going to put you in a hypnotic state that's going to allow you to explore your mind. I'm going to tap into your deepest hidden feelings of pain. I want you to know that I understand sometimes questions are scarier than answers. This is why I'm going to get you to ask yourself the hard questions. First I want to explain something to you. Continue to stay relaxed. Concentrate on my voice and remain totally relaxed. There are vulnerabilities in the patient that are exposed in clinical relationships which involve the creation of intimate space, with one person highly dependent on the other. Its more than likely Kathleen purposely tapped into your conscious memories and fears and fantasies about your relationship between you and Maria. I'm going to help you Lauren. All I need from you is to be open and honest with me like you were before. Do you have any more questions than what you asked me before we get started? Anything at all?"

30 minutes later...

Lauren sat breathing heavily. Her hands were trembling, sweat running down her face.

"Lauren it's okay. I want you to try to calm down. This is exactly what we were aiming for. The walls you built between your past and the present are slowly crumbling down. I know it's scary. I need you to continue to trust me. Can you do that? Can you let me continue to help you?" Dr. Evan asks softly. Lauren wiped her wet hair from her face. "I want you to once again lay back and breathe deeply. I want you to listen to my voice. I want you to concentrate on my voice. I want you to slowly take in your surroundings. You're on your beach. I want you to only hear my voice. Listen carefully to my voice.I know sometimes questions are scarier than answers so it's important we help you to first ask the hard questions. So we're going to deal with questions first. I want you to simply wiggle your index finger on your right hand only, that you understand what I am saying to you." Lauren weakly wiggles her index finger on her right hand. Then it falls back to her body. "Very good Lauren. Now it's important you relax and listen to the sound of my voice. I am going to tell you something very important that I want you to fully let your mind digest. Wiggle your index finger on your right hand only if you understand what I am saying." Lauren wiggled the index finger only. "Listen to me. No one should live with all the pain and guilt you have to endure Lauren. I want to help you to relive yourself of it if you will allow me to. I'm going to now tell you something that I want you to carry with you from this moment on. Maria killed herself because of the pain she lived with got to be too much. It was not, I repeat it was not about you. She loved you and she knew you loved her. I want you to let this process what I am going to say. I want you to let what I'm about to say remain in your mind. I want you to let it settle into your mind. Wiggle your index finger that you understand." She waits. Lauren wiggled her index finger. "Relief is a very normal part of suicide. I want you to feel it deep in your mind that relief was not wrong. Almost all survivors feel it. I know that people are fast to blame and make those who have survived feel to blame. Your wrongly labelled. It was very important you grieve but you didn't. You buried your feelings. This caused a prolonged grief reaction. I am going to help you acknowledge that Maria committed suicide. It's very important we help you to get your feelings out. If you don't they will come out in other ways. They have been coming out but in ways that are not controlled. No more keeping your **honest emotions** locked up. Grief can be intense and if its prolonged it can become harmful. It's very important that you get the anger out. I am going to now ask you to talk to her. I want you to have a talk with her. I want you to talk to her whenever you feel the need. If you're out and you want to say something to her then you find a private area and talk to her. I want you to tell her all you're feeling. It's very important that you get the anger out. But right now we're going to take you to a more happier warm time in your life. I'm taking you to a very happy time. I want to hear about yours and Maria's first kiss." A smile formed on Lauren's lips. Her breathing slowed down.

**Inside a stranger's house that is Lauren's mind**

"It felt like I was running for hours just looking into her eyes. We had got back from dinner and was standing at her front door. I wanted to kiss her but I was scared because I wanted to. She stepped closer to me. I was so close I could smell her shampoo in her hair. I can't help but get nervous. I drop my head and go to take a step back. She stops me. I try to apologize but she puts her finger on my lips. She pulls me in for a hug. I start to get more confident and swept my hand along her arm. Goose bumps appeared right away. We pull apart and stare at one another, holding eye contact for a long time, both smiling at each other. It's like we knew what could happen. Then I got nervous asking her, "What? Why are you staring at me?"

She backed away saying "I'm not" in a voice I didn't recognized. I went to rub her arm again, when she pulled my hand away and held it. She whispered, "I don't think this is a good idea..."

Dr. Denise Adams waited anxiously as Dr. Sandra Evan opened the door. "Denise hi. Thanks for stopping by. Come in, come in." Denise entered her associates apartment.

"So?" Denise asks as she paces around what seemed as a tight space.

A voice comes from a short distance. "Denise sit down and stop that pacing before I tie you to a chair." Sandra jokes. Denise stops in her track and plops down into the nearest chair. Sandra walks back into her living room with a tray of coffee and cake. Denise went to speak but was stopped. "Not a single word. Not one question until you eat something." Sandra says as she hands her associate her mug. Denise makes a face and takes the mug being handed her. As Denise sips her coffee Sandra opens the case file on Lauren. "I want you to know I think the hypnosis was a good choice. You were right. Your initial diagnosis was correct. Her first therapist did do something to her. You and I know the conscious mind is remarkable. And there is an entirely different level of awareness that, when tapped into one can have access to ones subconscious mind."

Denise put down her mug wanting to know what Sandra was saying. "You and I both understand that Kathleen convinced Lauren that sex had to happen between them. She never threatened Lauren physically. What she did was much much worse. She manipulated her emotions instead. Lauren told me, when I had her under, she would sometimes feel like she was falling into another part of herself. She talked of feeling disembodied before their sex. Denise, she also told me Kathleen told Lauren she would die if she couldn't have Lauren, that what they had was very complicated. She made it clear to Lauren, her love for her might be seen as wrong and that she would lose her career if Lauren told anyone or if Lauren stopped loving her. Lauren expressed she felt completely responsible for Kathleen's career and she had to make sure she didn't cause Kathleen to lose it. Denise, she told me she felt a huge weight of responsibility. You and I both know she exploited Lauren's fears."

Both Sandra and Denise sat in their own thoughts. Sandra waited for Denise to respond. She suddenly blurted out, "I believe that Kathleen put what is known as a safe guard in Lauren's subconscious to prevent her from telling anyone about not only their sexual relationship but the fact they were girlfriends and that Kathleen was treating her." Denise sat thinking.

"There's more. Lauren told me Kathleen told her things that made her want their sexual relationship."

Denise put down her mug. "What things?" she asked. Sandra looked in the pile of notes pulling out a tape recorder. She pressed the play button and placed it on the table. Both women sat listening as Lauren talked. Lauren's voice shook as she spoke.

"She told me how she would always think of me and made sure to always look sexy for me when we were scheduled for an appointment. She would study and dissect my every look to what she wore and to my replies to certain comments. She was always watching my face for any hints on how badly I wanted her too. She wanted and tried to sensor herself. She knew I reciprocated her feelings but my fears over Maria was holding me back."

Lauren stops talking and begins to cry.

Sandra stops the tape. "She needs to be held accountable for her actions. She needs to have her license pulled, brought up on charges then arrested for rape." Sandra breathes.

* * *

**A/N: This story comes from my personal experience. This is a traumatic subject. Anyone can PM me if you want. It's important to know I've changed names, dates and locations to protect the vulnerable and the innocent.**


	10. Chapter 9

**THE WALKING WOUNDED**

**Chapter 9**

**Trauma and Triggers**

* * *

"I want you to calm down and listen to me. Lauren listen to me. I don't care what she told you because it's not true. Listen to me. It's not true and I have psychological proof. I can prove it if you let me explain." Dr. Adams pleads with her patient.

"Proof? W-what proof? What kind of proof? How can you have proof when you weren't there? You didn't see how I-I how I was with her. How I seduced her. She told me I was, that I...my behaviour...so it is my fault."

Dr. Adams picked up the knocked over chair, walked over to Lauren, guiding her back to sit down. "I want you to stop blaming yourself and let me talk. I want you to let me explain why you can't believe her. She did rape you. It's very important that you listen to me. Just because your body reacted to the sex doesn't mean it wasn't rape. Your body doesn't have a brain so it can't distinguish between a physical attack or an emotional one. It reacts, Lauren. It reacts to stimulation the way it's supposed to. The body simply responds. Did you know a woman can become lubricated during sex but not just from pleasure but as a defence mechanism as well?" That one question seemed to get Lauren's attention. She stood there. She turned and stared, trying to speak but wasn't able to find words. She tilted her head staring. Once Dr. Adams saw she suddenly had Lauren's attention she continued. "Genital arousal even orgasm doesn't mean it was you giving consent. Kathleen broke down your inhibitions and defences, she knew how to manipulate you for her own sexual gratification. I want you to understand just because your body reacted to sex doesn't mean you wanted it."

Lauren closed her eyes tightly, fighting back tears. "But she said I wanted it. She told me I...she told me it wasn't rape because she never forced me. She kept saying she never laid a hand on me, that I wanted it. I never had to fight her off. I had org...so if I didn't like it then I wouldn't have had my um my...I... if I didn't want it I wouldn't have had orgasms so I can't cry rape." Lauren choked out.

Dr. Adams handed Lauren some tissues. "Lauren just because it wasn't physical force, doesn't mean it wasn't rape. Regardless of what your body did, it was Kathleen who was in the wrong. I want you to just think for a minute. I want you to really think about it. You told me you were confused and upset. You told me you had doubts about doing anything that would cause any harm to Maria and you told Kathleen that. And Lauren you're now hurting. Your life is now bearing the effects of it. Kathleen as a therapist was fully aware of the power of transference of feelings. She knows that transference emotions are not realistic. She knew she should have never have allowed herself be tempted. Not to mention acting upon those feelings. She was supposed to give you a safe and secure environment. She didn't! You understand me? I'm not sure if you know this but sexual intercourse becomes a sexual assault or is considered rape since you weren't able to give your knowing consent to your and Kathleen's sex act. You said it yourself, she gave you medication so your response was deliberately induced by her. This is why you weren't given that chance because she took your choice away from you when she manipulated you by medicating you. And that is why I want you to know, to grasp what she did was in no way your fault. I'm going to leave you alone to think about what I've just told you. I'm going to go speak to my secretary and set up our next session. You just relax."

Even before Dr. Adams walked out the room Lauren had already closed her eyes and laid back on the couch. She slowly let the new information play inside her head. Her breathing slowed down as she let herself understand it. She knew what needed to be done. _I'm going to go straight to yoga class. __Then I'm going to go home and get some writing done. _She thought to herself. Dr. Adams watched from the doorway, careful to be quiet. She could see the information as it was registering inside the blondes mind. She notice the effects on Lauren's body. The blonde seemed relaxed. She continued to observe her patient. She simply watched and waited for the right time to re-enter her office. She knocked as she entered. Lauren sat up, swinging her legs around to sit and face Dr. Adams. "Okay I went through my schedule. Let's set up your next two sessions in advance before we continue so it's out the way."

**Twenty minutes later...**

" I don...I don't want to but I can't stop. I have to... it's all my fault she's dead so I have to hurt too. I deserve it. I- I don't deserve to be free of this pain." Lauren sat trying not to cry.

"I want you to let yourself cry. You keeping it in is something were working at changing remember? We're going to tackle not just the **Symptom **but the **Cause. **I know but its better when and if it's done in a controlled atmosphere so as to not hurt yourself. The fact that you're doing it on your own..." Dr. Adams pauses and stares at Lauren. "I didn't watch the movie in its entirety but I did go online. I went to you tube and found it. I found the video and watched it. I found it. It's pretty disturbing on its own. But even more considering..." She stopped talking.

Lauren finished the sentence. "Considering its how Maria killed herself. I know and I-I don't know." She drops her head.

Dr. Adams watches Lauren carefully. "Lauren? Lauren look at me." She waits to have Lauren's attention. Slowly the blonde lifts her head. Her eyes are watery. I'm going to ask you a question. I want you to take your time to answer." Lauren wipe her tears away and agrees. "Why is it you think you haven't killed your..."

Lauren stopped her. "BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE ME TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT!" Lauren snapped. She springs forth from the chair, it falls over in the process. She walks across the room, stopping by the window. She stares out of it. "It was my fault she died and I should be held accountable. My wounds are of my own doing. I killed her." She whispers. she stops talking. She cries.

"Lauren hang on a moment. I want you to..." Lauren goes to punch the wall but stops as she looks at her hands. "I have her blood on my hands and no matter how much pain I'm in its nothing compared to what she's going through. It's my fault. I told you she's Catholic. She was a good Catholic girl until she met me. Then it was me who turned her. I tainted her. I dirtied her. I spoiled her in so many ways. H-how could I do that to her. He warned me to stay away but I didn't listen. I should have listened but I didn't. I put her against her beliefs and I shouldn't have. I found out who I really was when I killed her." She stared at her hands for a few seconds. Then she began wiping her palms against her thighs as if she was trying to wipe away something. Dr. Adams walked over and tried to get Lauren to get her to stop but the blonde backed away, continuing to wipe her hands. "I c-can't. It won't stop. Why won't it stop? The blood ,it won't s-stop." She cried out.

"I spoke to Dr. Evan about your triggers. We both agree its visual. We're going to help you. We both agree it's better if you let us, in a very controlled environment help you with them. I want you to understand what this means. I will continue to help you understand all your underlying causes of your pain and anger. We're going to access your subconscious by using visuals to open parts of your mind. Then Dr. Evan and I both will help you to not only understand but to help you face your deepest emotions. I have some things for you to read. I want you to take your time and read through it carefully. You can write down any questions you have. Take your time and we'll discuss it in your next session. I think we should give you time to rest your mind. We're going to schedule your next session until Friday. That's three days in between you seeing me next. I want you to rest. I want you to relax. I want you to go out. I want you to go out and have fun. So how's your new friend? Bo? Have you spoken with her? She emailed you didn't she?" Dr. Adams asked as she watched for Lauren's reaction.

Lauren sat down. She began to fidget the chair. Finally she closed her eyes as she answered. "I-I well she... I didn't but I want to but... I don't know how to."

Dr. Adams sits across from Lauren. " You could start by reading the email. You gave her your email address because you wanted her to contact you. When you are more relaxed you don't have to go any further than your ready to. At least let yourself read what it is she says. No harm in that. We can talk about it when I see you in a few days. It's beautiful out and is going to be for the next few days. I want you out there enjoying it. But read the info I'm going to give you. You can ask any questions you want. I'll also give you some material to read. You can take it home with you. Take your time." Lauren nods her head. "I'll be right back then. We have a few minutes until we're done. Why don't you relax." Dr. Adams walks out her office. She returns a few minutes later. She sat across from Lauren handing her an folder. Lauren opens it and looks at the papers handed her.

"The Limbic System" She whispers.

Dr. Adams shakes her head. "I want you to read through all the material carefully, take notes and I want to discuss it with you what you read before we proceed with doing anything." Lauren stood and agreed with Dr. Adams. She puts the papers in her knapsack and leaves. She sits in her car skimming through the papers. She starts her car. She puts on her seat belt and pulls off.

**Hours later in Dr. Adams office **

"From my conversations and my observations she believes herself to be a killer. During her most agitated heightened state it's obvious to me that there is an entirely different side to her. She's at odds with herself. When it comes to Lauren I think she sees it as her against herself. In the way of the flaws of one is the strength in the other."Dr. Adams tells her colleague.

Dr. Evan nods her head in agreement, then adds, "From what I have learned about Lauren through you and from herself about her fears, I think it's her seeing her other self as her greatest strength and glaring weakness."

Both women thinking of what the other was saying carefully and what it means to Lauren and their individual care for their patient. After a few minutes of silence Dr. Adams speaks. "I spoke to Lauren about what is going on inside of her head. I gave her some things to read. I told her to take her time reading it. I told her I want her to asks questions. I want her to have a deeper and more intimate idea of what's going on inside her head. Its reading on the Limbic System."

She picks up and sips her coffee. "The Limbic System? Good choice. I'm sure she's ready to understand on a much deeper level. She is stronger than she gives herself credit for. She is doing very well with the hypnosis. She has barriers but she is allowing herself and allowing me inside. She's made it very clear to me she doesn't want to continue to carry around her pain. She is ready to start the process of healing. She understands it's going to hurt but she also knows there is light at the end of the tunnel."

"So she has been carrying around her guilt for nine years now?" Dr. Evan asks.

Taking a few moments to think, Dr. Adams looks her colleague. "Yes. Yes, it's been nine long agonizing years. It could have been less if not for Kathleen. Shit, if not for Kathleen she wouldn't be in the state she's in now, that I'm sure of. She's in a constant battle against herself. But I believe it's one she can win. You know how you think she has to go forward with pressing charges against Kathleen?" Dr. Adams asks.

"What? Are you telling me she has? She has a case against her former therapist?" Dr. Evan asks.

"Well yes and no. She told me she wanted to. She went to the police to press charges but was told before anything could happen they would have to speak to the other party before anything was to happen; it was her word against Kathleen's. She was told by the police they spoke to Kathleen. She demanded she be able to confront Lauren and have her in police presence, say her accusations to her face. The police agreed that would be fair. They set up a date and time for Lauren to come into the station. When the day came Lauren got to the station and was faced with not only her fears but two male police officers, Kathleen and her secretary. After everyone was told how the meeting would proceed they asked who wanted to tell their side first. Here's where Kathleen used what she learned in sessions against Lauren. When she was asked she said to Lauren 'Yes Lauren tell us all what happened, in your own words and not what you imagined to have happened.'"

Dr. Evan looked shocked. "Her saying that already would have planted a suggestion in the minds of everyone in the room." Dr. Evan responded.

"I know." Dr. Adams agreed. She didn't want to but she felt she had to ask so she would know what it is she may be dealing with. "How bad did it get?" She asked.

"Bad. It was really terrible but you can hear for yourself." Dr. Adams pressed play on the tape recorder.

"Talk to me Lauren. We left off last session talking about you pressing charges against Kathleen. Lets pick up from there. Take your time."

"I didn't. How I? I tried to, I wanted to..." There was a short pause in the tape. Dr. Evan sat waiting anxiously. She was worried for Lauren. Then Lauren's voice was back. "I was trying to tell but when I did...I was blamed. The police didn't believe me. Kathleen called me the night before. The police called her after I left the station. She told me she was calling because she didn't understand why I was doing this to her. She told me she was hurt and I was just acting out against her because of Maria. She told me if I show up, I would have to tell what happened. She told me I was going to have to tell them how my feelings for her made her want me and behave the way she did. She told me I was going to get her in trouble. She told me she would lose her license. She told me I was going to have to be open about our relationship and they were going to ask me about the sex I had with her. They're going to ask you details. You're going to have tell police about all of it. That includes about Maria's suicide and your part in it. You can go to jail Lauren. Everyone is going to know about Maria killing herself. They're going to blame you. They're going to find out what you did. You go into that police station and tell them what you think I did and you're not going to walk out of there without them knowing you killed Maria. Is that what you want? Everything I did with her and get myself in trouble. She told them I was lying and they didn't want to waste time on it. She told me she didn't want to because she loved me, but her attorney advised her she would have to. He told me himself if I went through with my allegations, he would be going ahead with charges. He warned me I would be sorry, but it was too late. I had told a police officer already. I tried to back out of it. When I stopped in, the police officer told me I would get in serious trouble if I was playing games. So I had to. I had to tell them because they both were demanding I did. I was being pressured from both sides. If I told I was in trouble. If I didn't, I was in trouble."

"I walked into the 19th precinct located on East 67th street, which is just a ten minute walk from Kathleen's office. They escorted me to a empty room. I had to wait half an hour until

I gave my statement. Then a police officer came in and I had to tell him everything that had happened. He took down everything I said. H-he asked me to tell him everything about what happened. He wanted to know what Kathleen did to me. I was having trouble remembering everything. He told me I was making it up as I went along. He stopped me from talking abruptly. He told me I could get into a lot of trouble if I was filing a false report. I was left in the room alone for another half hour. They came to get me once Kathleen arrived. She was dressed...she, I mean she looked...every police officer in the room was staring at her. I saw two of them giving her the once over. Another one was falling over himself to make her comfortable. I knew no matter what I told them they weren't going to hear me. I got nervous. I started to not remember the details. She insisted I go first. I told the officer I didn't feel comfortable talking in front of Kathleen but I was told she had every right to be there to face her accuser. She told the police she wanted her chance to have her say with me there. She said to me as I was about to speak, 'Don't worry Lauren I forgive you. I know why you're doing this. I'm sorry your mind is back to where your confusing things that you wanted to have happen and what really did happen between us. This is my fault. I should have recognized the signs sooner."

All the police officers were staring at me, giving me weird looks. They asked me to tell them what happened. It was hard. It hurt. Maria was in my head screaming at me. I wanted to but I think I did it, told everything. Then before I finished another officer came in. I had to stop and tell it from the beginning. I was being told to repeat what I just told them. I had to say it all over again, to tell what happened all over again. I wasn't able to go through it again because I was sick and getting confused and my head was loud with Maria. I wanted to but I couldn't and when I did they told me I left out details. 'Start again please. This time try to stick to your story.' When I wasn't able to tell them, Kathleen had her turn. She made me out to be some kind of..."

Lauren stops talking. You can hear her breathing, coughing and crying. "I sat in the room with Kathleen and her lawyer at her side. She told them about everything I did. I almost threw up watching the four officers hang on her every word. I felt dirty and stupid. I was very embarrassed. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I wasn't allowed. Kathleen sat as I spoke it was only fair I did the same. I had to show Kathleen the same respect she had shown me. Only difference was she told her side and they believed her. I heard one of the officers say to the other, 'Who wouldn't want to have sex with her?' As he motioned toward Kathleen. The other joked on the fact how I must be crazy to pass up on Kathleen's offer, if she did in fact make one. My mind was spinning. They believed her. Half an hour later while waiting for the decision to see if the charges would be filed I was not able to look Kathleen. She was staring at me. I couldn't look at her. She asked me how my head was doing. She asked her lawyer to leave us alone. S-she wanted to let me know she wasn't mad at me. She kept telling me it wasn't rape. She told me she could see how I might have mistaken what we shared because of my feelings for Maria. She told me that I was feeling guilty and because I loved her and Maria both, I was confused. After reviewing my allegations they found there was insufficient evidence to be able to charge Kathleen with rape. The police told me there were too many inconsistency's in my story. According to Kathleen I was very delusional. The police warned me again about filing a false police report and explained penalties that could be filed against me, that Kathleen could press charges against me. I could be faced with either a misdemeanour or a felony. She convinced the police I was suffering from the effects of falling in love with her. You continue with this and you won't be able to treat you any more. Let this go and I'll forget all about this. She really scared me. She made me realize how sick I really was. She told me how badly she could see how much I still wanted her." Lauren dropped to the floor. She cried and cried. The tape stopped.

Both Dr. Adams and Dr. Evan sat quietly. Finally Dr. Adams spoke, "I made the mistake of suggesting it to her, I wasn't going to let her; I put her in the same bad position as feeling she was trapped. She retreated into herself. I made it clear just as quick that if she feel it best, than she can terminate the sessions without even starting them. She did just that. I stopped all contact with her. I had to wait and let her come back on her own. It took her five months but she called again because her nightmares were hurting her. When she came to me she was very angry with me. She was angry with herself. She told me she wasn't able to stop thinking about Kathleen all the time. She really believed it was her doing the seducing. Kathleen told her she was doing it unconsciously and she just wasn't aware of her behaviour. She really confused Lauren.

Its why she feels so conflicted."

**Later that night... **

Lauren is sprawled out on the floor. She had been there since arriving home from her session. She was wearing her earphones, listening to one of her favourite singers Adele. She's reading through the papers given to her by her psychiatrist. She was having flashes.

**In A Stranger's Mind That is Lauren's mind...**

"You don't trust me? I know you're really attracted to me. I can tell that you're unable to admit it to me. I know it's because of your unresolved feelings for Maria. You're unhealthy and you have what is known as sexual repression and I'm the only one who can help and save you. Now I want you to stop worrying. I need you to trust me. But if you can't, this won't work. Your making this hard for me ,Lauren. You come here to your sessions looking so attractive and in your own way you tease and tempt me. How am I not supposed to react to you when you're who you are? I promise Lauren, there is nothing wrong with our relationship. What we have is natural. You want me just as much as I want you. What we have is what you need. I'm what you need. I'm what Maria wants for you. She thinks I'm good for you. We have something she feels. She's not upset you're with me. She is upset you're keeping yourself from giving in to what you're feeling. Can't you feel it? Our feelings for one another is a perfect doctor-patient relationship. What we share as lovers is natural."

Lauren hugs her. Then confesses. "I-I sorry. I haven't you know...no one has, I mean I haven't been with another woman since Maria killed herself two years ago."

Slowly another door opens in Lauren's mind. She walks into a dark room and hears low moaning. She attempts to walk over but is stopped by something. She fights to move but isn't able to. She squints to see what's making the noise. All of a sudden the lights are on. Her eyes go wide as she sees herself standing over Maria with a knife in her hand only a few feet away. She looks herself in the eyes. Then to the body next to herself. Its Maria on the floor drowning in a pool of her own blood. She's not moving. Lauren is fighting to move but can't. She watches herself turn around. Lauren's covered in blood, smiling. "See how easy it is?" She motions as she taunts herself. "Just one, two, three..." she swings the bloody knife. Blood flies through the air hitting Lauren in the face. "I need another minute or two, to finish up. Unless you want to help." The next thing Lauren knows she is kneeling next to herself over Maria's body.

"Your wish is my command." Lauren hears herself whisper.

Raising the knife high above her head, Lauren screams at herself not to do it. "DON'T! NO PLEASE DON'T HURT HER."  
But Lauren doesn't listen to herself. She stops with the knife in midair. She brings it to her mouth. She turns toward herself and licks it. Lauren looks on in horror. She can see the emptiness in her own eyes.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Lauren yells at herself. She fights hard to move but she couldn't move. Something was holding her back. She wasn't able to break free. She watched herself drag the knife across Maria's throat. Blood began to squirt into the air. Out of nowhere Lauren felt herself being shoved forward. Landing on top of next to Maria. Suddenly she found the knife in her hands just as Maria opened her eyes. Maria's eyes stared at the knife, quickly filling with tears. Maria struggled to sit up. When Lauren tried to help the knife fell out her hand. Both she and Maria watched as it fell. Before it hit the floor Maria caught it. She grabbed one of Lauren's hand guiding it to the knife. Lauren sat frozen. She allowed Maria to guide her hand to her neck. She tilted her head sideways.

Maria whispered, "This is what you want. You want me dead, you told me so." And before Lauren could react Maria took her hand and slit her throat. Blood hit Lauren's face. Suddenly Lauren wakes up screaming hysterically. Her breathing was ragged. She was dripping in Maria's blood.

Dr. Adams asks Dr. Evan to sit and discuss the tape they listened to. "There's one more thing I want you to hear."

She presses the button on the tape recorder and both women listen intently. Lauren's voice is soft. _"__I know I'll never be who I used to be. I know I am not who I was. I don't know me. I have no idea who I am. Sometimes it's hard to think straight. I know what is going on around me, but sometimes my thoughts are incoherent and it's hard to think. Things feel not real but familiar in an abstract sense. My thoughts don't click the way they use to."_

There is a minute or two of dead air before the tape recorder stops playing. Dr. Adams speaks right away. " You do know she's fractured and deeply hurt by Maria's abandonment. It's obvious that psychologically its torn her apart. She feels deserted and all alone. As a psychiatrist I can say it's the most difficult to recover from. She doesn't seem to be able to disengage."

Dr. Evan added her thoughts. "Lauren is the kind of woman who needs an emotional connection. She needs one deep from the heart. More than anything she wants to fill the emptiness she feels inside. After Maria died she went three years without a physical relationship with another woman until Kathleen. When I asked her why, she explained. Let me turn the tape over." As she did Dr. Evan wondered what was next. What else was going on inside Lauren. The tape started.

"Discovering her...Maria I-I mean and our um you know, our closeness..." Lauren paused as she had to control her breathing. Simply talking about Maria made her tremble. She lets out a big deep breath. Running her hands through her hair she smiles shyly at . "That night, that moment when our lips met for the first time was magical. We, I mean, I sat her down and explained to her how badly I've wanted to kiss her. I wanted her to know how important the first kiss was. It took us time to get there. I invited her over to read her a poem on kissing. I sat her down in the living room and read her a poem from the writer Emil Ludwig from a book on kissing. The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender."

Dr. Adams stops the tape...

* * *

**A/N  
I wanted to take the time to thank those of you who are reading my personal story, The Walking Wounded. All your reviews and the fact that you're  
favoriting it is kinda surprising but greatly appreciated. I need to thank my beta, for whom without her editing, my sometimes jumbled thoughts and feelings might be just a bunch of words splattered on paper making no sense. My new girlfriend doccubus 21, for knowing my history and wanting and loving me anyway. I want her to know how much her caring is also helping with my emotional healing. I especially want to thank the actress Zoe Palmer who plays Lauren Lewis, Im using her character to give my story a voice because she's just so very incredible. **


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10  
**

**People Are Sometimes Better Than Their Worse Action**

* * *

**In a stranger's house that is Lauren's mind...**

They stood looking down at Maria's bloody body. The two different sides of Lauren's personality. "Now that wasn't so hard was it? Ahhh...it feels good doesn't it? Now you have your freedom. Don't bother trying to deny it. I can feel everything you feel remember?" Her mirror image whispered in Lauren's ear. She shut her eyes trying to drown herself out.  
When she opened them again, she was holding the bloody knife and her hands were covered in blood. Maria's body was on the floor going into convulsions. Lauren went to Maria and sat next to her; frantically trying to stop the bleeding. No matter how much she tried, the blood kept squirting all over her. She began to get upset with herself. "What did I do? What did you make me do?" She turned asking herself.

Grabbing herself by the shirt, they go crashing to the floor with a loud thud. She wanted an answer from herself. When she didn't get one she punched herself in the face. "You can hit me all you like. It's not it's going to change the fact; you wanted her gone. You wanted her dead. You killed her. Why don't you just finally admit it? You wanted her and all her problems gone. It's what you wanted. I gave you the one thing you wanted more than life itself and now you attack me? Just admit it." She spat up blood. "I'm a part of you remember? You can't hurt me. I'm a part of you. I am your  
deepest darkest wish come true. You wanted her gone but you were too weak to do it yourself. Why do you think I happened? Why do you think I know you? I'm here because you're fucking weak! But it's okay, she's gone now; you're free. You're finally free! It's just you and me now." The voice laughed. Lauren looked at Maria's body again. She heard the words echoing in her head. "You're free. You're free now."

Lauren closed her eyes for a second, she felt something coursing through her; was it pain or relief? She wasn't sure. Suddenly her eyes fly open as she sits up in bed covered in sweat. Breathing heavily, she stumbles out of bed. Once in the bathroom she splashes water on her face. After a few minutes she was finally able to bring herself to look in the mirror. "I-I'm going to kill You. Do you hear me. I'm going to end this." She fumbled with putting the bullet in the chamber. "Before we go I just wanted to tell you, you don't own me."  
Lauren's voice was child like. Her reflection stopped smiling as Lauren brought the gun up against her temple. She smiled as she pulled the trigger.

**Back in Dr. Adams office...**

Shocked by what she heard, Dr. Adams dropped the stack of papers she was holding. kneeled forward to help gather them. "What? What did you say? S-she...are you sure?" she asked.  
Dr. Evan was trying to fight back her own personal feelings. She wanted to stay neutral under the circumstance.

"I'm sorry, Denise but from everything she's been able to tell me while under hypnosis, I'm sure Kathleen planted false memories in Lauren's mind. I know because when she's under she has no clear memory of what Kathleen did to her."

Shit!" Dr. Evan stands up and walks over to her briefcase. She pulls out her files on Lauren. She motions for her friend to come sit next to her.

"What is it?" Dr. Adams asked.

"We both learned in our different and separated sessions Lauren's mind couldn't handle her moral quandary over her mixed feelings surrounding Maria's suicide right?" Dr. Evan asked. To which Dr. Adams shook her head in agreement. Both women sat down.

"Denise what's your diagnosis of her right now?" Denise thought about the question for a moment.

"Well she developed a split in her personality from all the stress. I'd go so far as to say she suffered what's known as a psychotic fracture; her being under the influence of whatever drugs Kathleen fed her didn't help. She told me she remembers Kathleen promised her she would get to be with Maria again if she had sex with her. Of course we know that wasn't ever going to happen. But listen to this. It's a session with Lauren while she's under hypnosis. " Dr. Evan was about to press the play button but looked at her colleague and told her "Lauren's journey has been complicated by her delusions from false memories planted by Kathleen of real life events. She's a prisoner of her mind." Dr. Evan pressed the play button on the tape recorder.

"I know you're torturing yourself with questions of things you believe you should have done, but Lauren you have to stop. We have to keep going forward with you allowing me to help you to navigate you through the overwhelming pain. I can help you to find the strength to go on living. You're consumed by guilt. But Lauren I know more than anything you're having more trouble dealing with your anger and the..." Dr. Evan paused for a moment. She wanted to say the rest but wanted to put it gently but there really was no way of saying it and not possibly causing Lauren emotional harm. "Lauren you're struggling most with your relief. But it's only natural if you were relieved it was over." She could hear Lauren gasp. Hearing the words Lauren flinched and began to tremble. She couldn't bring herself to make eye contact with Dr. Evan. "You have to admit to your relief than accept it because I promise you, it's normal. She was your friend, then girlfriend. You were closely involved with her and her pain was emotionally draining for you. It's natural if you felt burdened by your intense situation. You were exhausted. When she died it's only natural that you felt a sense of relief. That you didn't have to worry any more; that Maria's pain was finally over. Didn't you?" Dr. Evan asked softly. Dr. Evan saw the signs. Lauren sat with tears running down her face. Her body was shaking. Sweat began to form on her forehead. She spoke in a certain tone. It was important she calmed Lauren down. She was able to help the blonde control her breathing. Once she was able to get Lauren to calm down she spoke. "Lauren we're going to do a memory recall exercise. It's going to help you be in a calmer place." She spoke then waited for a response. Finally making eye contact, Lauren nodded her head. "Okay I want you to lie back and continue to take deep really deep breaths."

After listening to the recording the two women sat in silence. "She's going to make it through this Sandra. The fact that she went into the suicide survivor groups on her own was her way of opening up to understanding that she's not alone. She's seeing us both. I'm sure she's capable of making it through this. She's further along than I would have thought. This is a good thing."


	12. Chapter 11

**THE WALKING WOUNDED**

**Chapter 11 : Tittering on the edge of between now and then.**

**Goodbye/breaking up letter to my ex-girlfriend Maria.**

* * *

_Song and lyrics by Celine Dion._

_Fly, fly little wing_

_Fly beyond imagining_

_The softest cloud, the whitest dove_

_Upon the wind of heaven's love_

_Past the planets and the stars_

_Leave this lonely world of ours_

_Escape the sorrow and the pain_

_And fly again_

From the night we spoke and ever since I feel differently. Thanks to our talk I was able to lift my voice above the noise in my head. The voices and the noise that were in my head are no longer there. Its taken time but I can hear myself think. The most important thing is I finally understand. It wasn't me who needed forgiveness. When I let you into my heart, it was in that moment I knew. You felt my forgiveness was yours. My soul and conscious are free once more. My head is quieter now than it has been in years. I understand I could not have saved you. I had to come to terms with that fact. I had to learn to stop torturing myself with the idea that I could have. I had to learn it was okay for you to be free. And now your spirit is finally free. It's free to soar.

_Fly, fly precious one_

_Your endless journey has begun_

_Take your gentle happiness _

_Far too beautiful for this_

_Cross over to the other shore_

_There is peace forever more_

_But hold this memory bittersweet _

_Until we meet_

So there it was, once more I was separating from you, saying goodbye. Only this time it was under very different circumstances. I had to let myself remember how you were when you were alive. In doing so, I was and am finally moving on from my past. All our interactions after your death made us feel good but at the same time it made us both hurt. I learned there was no breathing room between pleasure and pain. It's because your every whisper and your scent is etched into my memory. I ask myself now, was it all too much? Then I think, was it never enough? I get it; I finally understand that I had been hurting us both by my holding on to you beyond your time.

_Fly, fly do not fear_

_Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear_

_Your heart is pure, your soul is free_

_Be on your way, don't wait for me_

_Above the universe you'll climb_

_On beyond the hands of time_

_The moon will rise, the sun will set_

_But I won't forget_

We promised to always love one another and we have. We promised to love one another forever and we have. We always will. My heart, it now understands that you are gone. It will no longer exhaust itself with the hopes of being with you again. Nevertheless, you should know the mere thought of you now makes it happy instead of sad. My heart feels different. It's stronger. I want you to know our talk really changed something in me. You helped me to break through so many barriers. You peeled away layers of confusion, hate, lies and pain. You pushed aside all my dark shadows by walking into that darkness that inhabited me.

I want you to know I am no longer haunted. I wanted you to know I will never let you go completely. You will always have a place in my heart. I have a small room inside there reserved just for you. I will never let myself forget how you were so very vibrant. It's taken me years to get here. I fought against myself for years and lost. All my hidden truths are finally freed. As hard as it was discovering them it was just as hard finally letting myself admit to them. I guess that's why their called hidden truths. Once I did my heart and mind found their way back to one another. They both now understand. You are gone and you're not coming back. It's time for me to go out, walk that long dark path I've created in my mind by your suicide. It's time to say goodbye. Along the way, I will plan for your funeral.

It is time for your proper burial. I will bury you with all the grace and dignity you deserve. I will lay you to rest on a beautiful day. The sun will be out. There will be clouds too. As I bury you, I will forget the shell of a person you became when your life left your warm vibrant body. I will only see the woman you were. Maria I know in time I will learn to let go of the image of you dying in my arms with your neck torn and mutilated beyond description. In our time together you were happy. I will no longer let your death continue to taint my memories of you. Or the memories of us together. I'll no longer let your death deflate my courage to keep moving forward. You will always be with me.

Therefore, I have to let you go in order for us both to move on. Right after your funeral I will go back to that long path and scatter some of your memories along it, lighting it. This way to keep it forever lit. You were once this beautiful life full of color. No more will I see you as that vessel that I watched a dark liquid flow from until it was empty, that turned into a shape without form, without texture. I'll remember the warm happy memories. This way no chance of my getting lost again.

_Fly, fly little wing_

_Fly where only angels sing_

_Fly away, the time is right_

_Go now, find the light _

Se que el pensamiento de morir sin perdon de dioses le aterrorizo. Su por que te fuiste nunca completamente. Su por que usted no estaban dispuestos a dormir. Que todo el mundo con prometo. Como yo me aleja atrapado una vislumbre de algo. Fue un angel.

Ella me dijo que Ella es su Angel de la guarda. Ella me prometio para mantenerse a salvo en su letargo. Prometio para protegerle. Asi que puede ir a dormir y dormir profundamante y saber su caja fuerte. Adios Maria.

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**A/N: This is a goodbye letter from me to my ex-girlfriend Maria. I wanted to share it with you guys because you have been so very supportive of me and my story. Thank you for all your kind words and the reviews which you have to keep them coming they help a lot. **


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12  
**

**Before And After, Broken And Whole.**

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"Listen to me Lauren. It's okay that you're so upset and emotional. Stop fighting it and let go. You have to understand that avoiding it leads to you causing yourself the constant suffering. Grief is the overwhelming awareness of loss; once life is out of a living thing it cannot be put back. In that time and circumstance a realization is recognized. The tranquility of safety you felt was and is temporarily shattered and permanently altered. It's an unbearable moment. And when such feelings aren't dealt with..." Before Dr. Adams could finish her sentence Lauren sighed. She then pointed to herself, acknowledging the fact that her not grieving was why she was and is in so much pain.

"I-I trapped it inside me?" She asked, frightened of the answer.

"Yes, but it's not too late Lauren. You're slowly now setting yourself free. There are two ways you can look this. One is from the negative point of view. As in your glass being half empty. As in years of being halted by holding on to the pain. Letting it haunt you. Or you can see it as lessons learned. As wisdom now gained through your sessions here. You're coming to terms with a great many things about yourself. Some you see as not so nice. But it's good you're allowing yourself to finally open up and feel. Your anger is a big part of your grieving process. There are many lessons you're learning. You are winning so many small battles, leading to your emotional triumphs. What do you believe is your most important lesson being learned?" She asked.

Lauren sat back and looked off into space. She wiped at the tears that began to roll down her face. " I-I think my opening up and hitting rock bottom. I'm uh..." She blew out a long breath of air before answering more. " I had to keep free falling and hit rock bottom if I am to find some kind of closure. In the beginning I wondered sometimes how steep of a fall it would be. It turns out the free falling was the worst. I had no idea hitting bottom would be the easier of the two."

Dr. Adams handed her the box of tissues. "Lauren once you hit bottom the hardest part is the climb back to the surface. Hitting bottom, there is no going any lower." She explained.

Lauren nodded her head. Through sniffles Lauren spoke. "I've read everything you have given me to read. On my own I went out and bought books. Can we talk about my limbic system?"

Dr. Adams smiled. "Sure. Did you understand what it is you read and what it means and how it relates to you and what you're going through?" She asked softly.

"I think so. You wanted me to understand how my limbic system is in charge of uh my maintaining my equilibrium?" She sounded more like she was asking.

Dr. Adams leaned over. "Are you asking or telling me?"

Lauren thought for a minute and answered " I'm telling you. When my emotions are out of control, my thinking is too."

Dr. Adams nodded, " Right. And do you now understand that emotions impact our thinking much deeper than our thinking impacts our emotions? The limbic system sends more input to the thinking part of our brain than the other way around. In order for you to maintain your emotional equilibrium you need start and be able to use your thinking mind to break down and understand your feeling mind. You understand?"

Lauren thought about what she had carefully read in the information she had been given, " I need to feel my feelings. Also use the thinking part of my mind to make sense out of them. I'm really not damaged."

For the first time Dr. Adams really believes that Lauren truly feels it's true. "You're not? What are you?" she asked.

" I'm just broke. But uh I can find those parts to fix me here in therapy." Lauren smiled. "I didn't read it all. Can I hold on to it a little longer?" She was embarrassed she didn't read it all.

" It's yours to keep Lauren. I put the package together for you to read and keep. I want you to take your time reading it. You really are moving forward Lauren."

Lauren stood up and began talking more. "The other night after another bad nightmare I was in the living room listening to my Amy Lee because her voice helps soothe my loud head. And uh...I uh..." Lauren stopped. She did something that surprised even herself. Instead of letting her hair fall to cover her face, Lauren flipped it back so her face was showing. It's as if she'd stopped hiding. "I-I think while in my darkest moment I had an epiphany."

Dr. Adams smiled as she leaned back in her seat hoping Lauren would be able to put it into words. "Are you all right to talk about it?" Dr. Adams asked not wanting to push Lauren too far too fast.

Lauren blurted out "The other night..." She closed her eyes and then opened them. She openly cried as she spoke. "Although she is dead I realized a part of me still desperately needs her forgiveness so I can live with myself; but through therapy I learned, once I came to terms with the fact that I couldn't control every situation and that I'm not able to change someone else, I find myself slowly forgiving me. This is one of the biggest challenges you were explaining to me had to happen from within. It didn't matter what anyone said about how it wasn't my fault, how Maria isn't mad at me. Or how I wouldn't have been able to stop her. I had to learn this from me. The truth is because of my sessions I feel I have matured in ways I never knew possible. I only need to remind myself all the ways I could have dealt with this. I don't drink. Wait that's not all together true. I did a few times when Kathleen put alcohol in my drink without telling me. I don't smoke. I have never done any kind of drugs a day in my life." She bawled her fist. "Again Kathleen drugged me but it's not the same thing. What I'm saying is it would have been so easy to give in and use this as my great excuse. I could be an addict or alcoholic but I'm not. I'm here in therapy facing me. But there's something else. There's something that as you know I only recently let myself discover." Dr. Adams already knew but wanted Lauren to say it out loud. "I-I I'm not damaged. I'm just broke but broke...it can be fixed. Broken things can be fixed. I'm working on that. Uh fixing me." Lauren looked straight into her Psychiatrists eyes and smiled.

Only a few seconds later she also cried again. This time it was sobs coming from deep within her. Heart wrenching sobs that caused Dr. Adams to have to leave her office in order to not shed tears of joy in front of her patient. She instructed Lauren to let herself cry because it wants to be freed. She found herself moved by Lauren's progress. It's taken time and work on Lauren's part but she's finally had her emotional and very important psychological breakthrough. When Dr. Adams returned she wanted to know how other things were with Lauren. "How are your session with Dr. Evan going? I know she is really helping you to tackle a lot."

Lauren half smiled. "I...its..." She shrugged. "I don't know how to answer that."

"How does it feel like it's going?" She asked hoping for more dialogue, receiving a blank look instead. She decided to help Lauren to be able to answer. "Let me help you to understand so that your able to answer. You're in a real conundrum. Your dreams apparently call on a part of your memory that's at least partially unavailable to your waking mind. It's due to Kathleen and her manipulating you. Your conscious of the confusion of your thoughts and feelings surrounding Maria's suicide. You're saying to yourself, "that's me but I'm not acting like me. But it's me all the same." Am I right?" Dr. Adams asked.

Lauren's face went from confusion to someone who suddenly looked as if she had an understanding of things. "I-I think uh what scares me the most...well uh the stark contradiction. It's confusing. That isn't me. I didn't want her to go. I just..." Lauren paused, trying to gather her thoughts. She began to cry. "I wanted the pain to go. I wanted her to be all right. I wanted the pain to go. I didn't want Maria

to leave. Since I started seeing you, I understand much better; her pain was a big part of who she was. I think she didn't know how to be separate from it. She saw her going away was the only way to stop her pain." Dr. Adams stared at her. "What?" Lauren asked afraid she was wrong in her interpretation.

"Wow, Lauren that was very insightful. I believe you're really learning." She smiled at her patient.

Lauren was surprised. "Really? So I'm right about me? I mean I-I..." Again instead of hiding behind her hair she pulled it away so she could look Dr. Adams in the eyes.

"I tell you what, why don't you tell me your thoughts on how you think your other sessions are going. If you're comfortable with that. You don't have to tell me intimate details if you don't want to." Dr. Adams assured her.

"Uh really? I mean...well I-I I'd like that. But I mean oh uh..."

Dr. Adams was enjoying this new side to Lauren. "Take your time. You have another forty minutes to go before your time is up and your session is over."

Lauren stood up and went to sit against the wall. "I think sometimes the kind of decisions we make in an instant can end up becoming the ones that define our character." Lauren eases back making herself more comfortable.

"You're partly right." Dr. Adams agreed. "I don't believe you're the person you think you are Lauren." With her voice quivering Lauren tried to protest but Dr. Adams wouldn't allow it. "Lauren your relation with yourself is very complicated. You're battling with yourself for a reason. If you're really this person you believe yourself to be you wouldn't be here. You sought out help. You came to me for help not the other way around." She says softly. Lauren sat quietly. She never felt so vulnerable as she did in that moment. Tears began to roll down her face. It was building until she was crying uncontrollably. Lauren again let herself go. It wasn't pulled from her by her going against herself but because she wanted to. She chose to let her feelings get the better of her. She chose to not fight against them. In doing so she opened up and let herself feel. "It's why you have felt lost for so long. Now that you have admitted it to yourself Lauren the hurt will soon not be as bad. You have been fighting yourself so long out of fear that your feelings were bad, you isolated yourself. It's why you're always battling with yourself in your nightmares. You understand?" She asked ,confident Lauren was getting it.

Lauren's eyes held her psychiatrists. She spoke the words again she had been afraid to admit but finally have. "I didn't stop her. I let her go. I didn't stop her from killing herself. I'm mad at me because I didn't stop her. I'm mad at me." She stopped talking. She was having trouble breathing. She was trembling.

"I know Lauren. Yes you're very angry with yourself. That will begin to disappear once you come to full terms with the fact that no matter what, you can't go back and change it but let yourself move on and start to go forward. Deep breathes. Nice and slow. Take your time. When you're able to, tell me why you didn't stop her?"Dr. Adams said in a calming voice.

Lauren sat quiet for a few minutes. Dr. Adams knew this was a hard question that needed asking. She knew it was important that Lauren answered. Hearing the question Lauren took her time in answering. She walked to the window, staring out of it. She then walked around the office. Dr. Adams didn't rush her to answer.  
Finally after a few minutes Lauren walked back and sat down. Looking her psychiatrist in the eyes she answered. "I wanted her to not hurt any more. I'm suffering now so Maria no longer had to. I used to be okay with feeling pain. I thought it was better than my not being without feelings. But I understand now, my feeling numb was just as bad." She plopped back onto the couch. There was a familiar sound. "Times up" she began gathering her things.

"Oh, Lauren. I meant to ask you something." Lauren was digging through her knapsack. "I wanted to know what's going on with..." She paused. When she saw she had Lauren's attention she said the name. "Edie?"

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**Authors Note: I wanted to thank you for all your reviews and sticking with this story. I have to warn you ahead of time about the next, chapter. Chapter 13 will be one of the more longer and more detailed chapters. It will have rape scenes that will be very graphic and disturbing. There will be molestation. I'm also introducing a new character named Edie.**


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